You're In The Wrong Place

But not the wrong time. I decided to switch Blogger identities, and maybe give the whole thing a fresh start. So please remove this bookmark and visit and bookmark the following site:

http://justtheguywhodoesthething.blogspot.com/

Those of you who know The West Wing will recognize that I am paying homage to Aaron Sorkin with the new title. But I also think it fits me better than "Beantown D."

Thank you!

Dos & Don'ts Of Bank Robbery

Man Arrested After Failed Dedham Bank Robbery
wbztv.com

I'll be the first to admit that there aren't a whole lot of subjects on which I can speak with authority. How to rob a bank is one subject on which I have very little knowledge to share. However, as this is a public service blog, I feel that it is my duty to help my dear readers who might be contemplating the possibility of "liberating" a bank of some excess funds. Therefore, I did some exhaustive research consisting of reading the above-linked story about a bank robbery gone horribly wrong. From this story, I was able to cull this admittedly short list of dos and don'ts. While this might not help anyone successfully rob a bank, following these simple tips certainly won't hurt.

"Dedham police say a 30-year-old Dorchester man wearing a blue suit tried to rob a Citizen's bank at 5 Bryant St. near Eastern Avenue at 8:50 a.m. Tuesday."

He starts off okay, wearing a fairly innocuous outfit that won't attract much attention. From here, however, he strays from the manual. If you are considering following in this man's personal-wealth increasing method, make sure you follow the below guidelines.

DO--make sure that you take away the employees' cell phones if you're going to leave them alone for any period of time.

"An employee immediately texted a branch manager at a different bank and told them to call police. "

DON'T--choose a bank to rob that has an obvious police presence right outside.

"As the robbery suspect left the bank empty-handed, two Dedham police details working in front of the bank arrested him. "

DO--always, always, ALWAYS, make sure that the money is accessible to the employees you are trying to rob. One sure way to do this is to only rob the bank during their regularly posted businenss hours.

"Because the bank had not yet opened for the day, there was no money in the registers, and the vault door wasn't open. "

Can you just imagine this one? I'm sorry, sir, we are still preparing to open for the day. If you can sit here for just a few minutes while we get the vaults open and the cash out for our drawers, we will be happy to accommodate your robbery as soon as we can. In the meantime, please check out this brochure on our easy and convenient Christmas Club. It has all the details of how your stolen cash can work for you, and today only we are giving away a free toaster oven with each new account opened. We realize that you have a choice when it comes to bank robbery, so we thank you for choosing Citizens Bank, and we apologize for the inconvenience.

One final tip:

DON'T--be a moron. Get a friggin job, loser!

This Just In: Don't Believe Anything You Read

Irish student hoaxes world's media with fake quote
Shawn Pogatchnik
Associated Press

Another reason why you should never trust those Irish folk!

This Just In: Savages Act Savagely

Study: Bad boy doesn't always get the girl
Randolph E. Schmid
Associated Press

Maybe this is why Mike Tyson could never keep a woman?

The Weekly Roundup

Disrupt, Dismantle, Defeat
Obama Plan Would Narrow War Goals in Afghanistan
Hopefully President Obama’s plan will work better than President Bush’s did. It turned out not to be such a good idea to try and create democracy where none existed before, so perhaps simply targeting our enemies is the way to go. It would be nice to be able to make everyone’s lives better, but that’s not always the way to go. Our first goal has to be to make Americans safe, and it cannot be argued that dismantling Al Qaeda will go a long way toward the fulfillment of that goal. They’ll like us when we win.
New York Times

Defense of Driving
Auto Task Force Set to Back More Loans -- With Strings
Why are the people who got us into the economic mess we’re in the ones who are in charge of figuring out how to fix it? It is unconscionable that the government is providing any more financial assistance to the auto industry. Why not use that money to invest in companies that will develop a new, sustainable business model?
Wall Street Journal

Buyers Market
Consumer spending up, but income sags on job cuts
Lots of people are out of work, but it seems that the ones who aren’t are getting back into the buying mode. Good news for the retail industry, at least.
Associated Press

Conserve the Truth
Report: Reid Says Roberts 'Didn't Tell Us the Truth'
Chief Justice Roberts made senators believe that he was “not too conservative.” What does that mean? I’m all for Supreme Court justices not pushing political agendas, but this seems like the ultimate in slippery-slope argumentation. “Too conservative” for who?
Washington Post

Throat Burn
Hot tea linked to cancer
Don’t you just completely agree with the first line of this story? I want to get a bumper sticker for my car that says “Life causes cancer.” Because that’s what it seems like.
Minneapolis Star Tribune

Beautiful Stranger
Madonna urged to rethink adoption
Who can know Madonna’s motivations except Madonna herself? Doesn’t the press in the UK, or here in the US for that matter, have more important things to cover than what overhyped, overpaid entertainer is fancying what this week?
BBC News

25 Things

I just got "tagged" on facebook where you have to write out a list of 25 things and then send them out to 25 other people who then have to send out 25 things to 25 people and on and on. I guess it's the chain letter of the new millenium.

It turned out not to be such a bad thing. It causes you to introspect, to consider what 25 things you'd most like people to know. I purposely injected some humor into mine along with some serious thoughts. I'm glad I did it for many reasons, not the least of which is I was able to get an easy blog entry out of it! Enjoy.

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Once you've been tagged, you write a note with 25 random things (shortcomings, facts, habits or goals). At the end choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people in the right hand corner of the app then click publish.)

1. Statistics show that most people will only read up to number 4 or 5, then get bored or distracted. So I only have, at most, 4 more good ones to come up with then I can just kind of phone in the rest.

2. I have a blog. I’m kind of bad at updating it, but my New Year’s resolution is to try and update it at least twice a week (http://beantowndfromthebigeasy.blogspot.com/).

3. There are at least five things that people should never do on impulse: conceive a child, make a major purchase, declare war, acquire a pet, and get married. People should try to think through the ramifications (play the “end game”) before doing any of these things.

4. You appreciate thick comfy socks a lot more up north than down south.

5. I take it personally and get angry, and sometimes vengeful, when people cut me off while driving. I shouldn’t, but I do.

6. This country was a lot better off before politics became alternating popularity and mud-slinging contests, when decent and noble men and women viewed entering politics as an opportunity to serve their fellow citizens rather than to create dynasties for themselves. I don’t think that this problem has an easy or obvious solution.

7. The more you think about it, the more you realize that YOU pay for everything. No matter how much you’re told “the government is paying for this,” or “the company is giving you this for free,” or “this foundation gave away millions of dollars to these causes,” if you trace back the money trail it all ends at you. If you think about this too much, you will go insane.

8. What if the hokey-pokey really IS what it’s all about?

9. While I guess I am considered pro-choice because I do not believe that it is the government’s place to interfere in its citizens’ lives regarding their moral decisions, I am personally against the practice and, in the unlikely event that I would ever find myself in the position of having impregnated a woman who chooses to have an abortion, would take extraordinary measures, up to and including court intervention, to stop my child from being aborted. Pro-choice does NOT mean “pro-abortion” as one reality-challenged, religiously-brainwashed individual snidely called me recently. In fact, I consider myself “anti-abortion,” because I would not permit it in my own life. But I, like the government, have no business telling anyone else what to do unless the decision affects me directly.

10. A priest, a monk, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”

11. One needs only to take a drive around Boston, Massachusetts and notice how few accidents occur relative to the manner in which people drive, to become a believer in the chaos theory.

12. I believe that the two-party system is bad for our country. It values positions over ideas. I could write a whole book about this, and one day I might.

13. Whew. Halfway through.

14. I believe in God, but I reject religion. I’ve never heard of anyone being killed over God, but I know of many people, entire civilizations in fact, that have been killed over religion. I’ve thought deeply about this for a long time and the best that I have determined is, there has to be some type of entity that is a higher form of being than humans to have created, or begun, or energized all that exists. But, this entity, whatever its manifestation, is something that is so far beyond the realm of humans’ ability to understand it, that we are arrogant for even trying. God created the world. Man created religion. I know many, many good people who are religious. However, I think these people would have been good people anyway, had religion never been invented.

15. Ketchup should not be stored in the refrigerator. Ever.

16. Elisa sent this to me as “16 Things” and I was almost done with it, and then Tamara sent me the exact same thing except that it was “25 Things.” So instead of being done I got 9 more to do. Thanks, Tamara!

17. I love karaoke. Sometimes on Saturday night I go sing karaoke at this dive called Banana Cabana in Middleton with my neighbors Nancy & Bob. If you’ve never heard Bob sing “My Way” then you’ve not experienced Shakespeare as it was meant to be. Antonio, the guy who runs the karaoke, always wants me to sing “Movin’ Out” by Billy Joel and “Take It to the Limit” by the Eagles. One time he downloaded “Louisiana Saturday Night” right there because I wanted to sing it. Once when I was in P-Town I sang “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” with a 6’5 transvestite named Dana, who was sporting a long blond mullet, singing the female’s lyrics. This happened after about 7 Long Island Teas, but I probably would have done it cold sober anyway.

18. Every day, I think about the people that I love and miss. Maw-Maw, Dad, Seaner, Nan-Nan, Uncle Johnny, Uncle Bob, Charlene. I picture them all in heaven having a big ol’ party together.

19. If you are attacked, fight back. The two most vulnerable places on the human body are the crotch and the eyes. Go for them. And don’t be polite about it either. Punch, grab, and squeeze the crotch. That will cripple the guy, but if it doesn’t work, poke him directly in the eyes with your index and middle fingers. Then run like hell. So what if you blind the son of a bitch? When they come for your life, all bets are off.

20. I installed a skylight in the living room. The people who live above me are furious.

21. Before I moved to Massachusetts, I had never heard of “closing” a pool. But every October we have to “close” the pool. Then in May, we have to “open” the pool. That’s weird. The other big difference between Boston and New Orleans is the whole concept of “last call.” Once I had some New Orleans friends visiting and the bartender announced “last call.” My friends asked what “last call” was and I replied that was when you stopped drinking. My friends said, “why on earth would you stop drinking?” I didn’t have a good answer to that question.

22. I spilled some soda on my snuggie, but it was okay because I wiped it up with my sham-WOW.

23. Hurricane Katrina was a surreal experience for me. Growing up in New Orleans, I always heard things like “the big one’s coming,” and “one of these days the levees are going to give and the whole city’s going to flood.” Storms come and storms go, you evacuate for a day or two, then come home, pick up the stuff that blew around, and continue life pretty much as normal. Then, at 36, I move to Boston and less than a month later the one I’ve heard about my whole life hits. For two days I did nothing but sit on the couch watching the news, trying to get in touch with people. I became sort of the communications hub for my family and friends. I had a spreadsheet going, when I got in touch with someone I’d put in where they were and how to get in touch with them so when friends would say “I don’t know where Joe ended up,” I’d check the spreadsheet and say, “well, Joe’s in Jackson at the Holiday Inn, room 255, here’s the landline.” It was the only thing that kept me sane, knowing that I had to keep up with my mom and the rest of my family and everybody else. Well, that, and the vodka.

24. Charlene and I went to Jewel’s concert in 2003, and it was excellent. She had just finished singing “Hands” which I love, and in the little break between songs I decided to scream out “I love you Jewel” at a quiet point in the concert. Jewel looked up from the guitar she was tuning, leaned into the microphone, and said in her sultry voice, “I love you too, baby.” I thought that was the coolest thing.

25. One day, I’m either going to figure it all out, or die. Either way, I’ll be done.

Judge Judy Tells It Like It Is

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a huge fan of Judge Judy. And no, I don’t always agree with her decisions, but I always respect her no-nonsense, no-bullshit way of getting the truth out of even the most devious of individuals.

My favorite cases are ones where she goes off on idiots for acting idiotic, deceitful, and irresponsible. I don’t suffer fools well and get very frustrated when people refuse to accept responsibility for their actions. I get angry when people lie and cheat others who trust them. And I get downright furious when people don’t live up to their responsibilities to their own children.

Unfortunately, I know far too many parents who ignore their children, or neglect their children, or treat their children like second-class citizens because of their own selfishness. There is one couple I’m thinking of in particular, and those who are close to me will recognize whom I’m speaking of. And while this is not the proper forum in which to call them out, I have spoken to each of them individually about this and I’m always told that I don’t understand because I don’t have children myself. This is true. But I know so many more parents who treat their children the right way that I’m quite able to recognize positive vs. negative treatment, and positive vs. negative influences. If I had enough money, I would hire Judge Judy to come with me for a day and lay it out for them similar to how she does for these ladies below.



Usually when people buy second hand items, Judge Judy gives them the sage advice “Buyer Beware” and sends them on their way. If you don’t read the terms of the sale correctly, or don’t fully check out what you’re buying, too bad. You can’t come back later and complain if you fail in your due diligence. But in this case, it doesn’t take Judge Judy long to figure out who the demon is. Take 10 minutes and watch this clip. I promise you will be entertained.

Mi Amigo Bueno

This weekend should be fun. My friend Celino is coming to Boston to play a concert. He’s a classical guitarist and part of the Romero family, the “First Family of the Guitar.” Click this link to watch Celino perform La Paloma. His grandfather Celedonio began the quartet back in the 1950s, and now Celino, his dad Celin, uncle Pepe, and cousin Lito continue the tradition.

The concert will be a lot of fun, but what I’m really looking forward to is being able to hang out with Celino for awhile. He’s one of these people that has absolutely no time, but when you talk to him or spend time with him he always makes you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. That is a rare quality.

How Celino and I met and became friends is kind of an interesting story.

The Romeros were scheduled to open the LPO’s 2001-02 season on September 13, 2001. They were to fly in Tuesday evening, rehearse Wednesday, and perform concerts on Thursday and Saturday. In between, there was a lot of media interest in them, even more than the usual hype surrounding the opening of the season, because a quartet of classical guitarists, particularly Spanish classical guitarists, is a rather unusual combination with a symphony orchestra. In addition, New Orleans has a lot of Spanish media who took a great deal of interest in them. So, I had interviews and appearances set up for them pretty much anytime they wouldn’t be in rehearsal.

Well, we all know what happened on Tuesday, September 11, 2001. There was no way the quartet was going to fly out of Miami to New Orleans on that day. In fact, with cell phone signals jammed up all over the country, we couldn’t get in touch with them, and their agents were in New York City, so forget that.

After the initial shock had worn off of us in the office, about Noon that day the realities of what this might possibly mean for the opening of the orchestra season began to sink in. Obviously, the quartet was not going to be able to fly to New Orleans. Should we even open the season at all? What do we do if our guest artists can’t make it? Do we change the repertoire, or cancel the concerts altogether?

To make an even longer story short, I canceled all of their media appearances except for one Saturday morning radio appearance, knowing that if they did make it, they’d be too busy to focus on anything except the concert. We debated back and forth for the rest of the afternoon and continued Wednesday morning and decided to go ahead and cancel. Most other events in the city were being canceled, and we had no word from our guest artists, so we really had no choice. Maestro had declared that it was too late to change the repertoire, so as much as we would have liked to help calm people with beautiful music, it looked like we had to cancel. As I was sitting down at my computer, ready to issue a press release about the cancellation, an email popped into my inbox from the wife of one of the quartet members indicating that they had rented a car and were driving 16 hours from Miami to New Orleans. That changed the whole situation. We couldn’t very well cancel the concerts with the four of them driving all the way from Miami.

They arrived late Wednesday and made it in time for morning rehearsal on Thursday. I met them after rehearsal Thursday and asked them if they would do the radio interview on Saturday. One of the older gentlemen said “yes, absolutely, perhaps the four of us, but at least two of us will do it.” It was kind of funny to watch, the four of them were absolutely at each other’s throats about something, I figured it was four family members who had been cooped up in a car for 16 hours straight, and all they did was bitch at each other until Maestro stepped on stage and tapped his baton. Then they all shut up, straightened up, and were ready to rehearse. After rehearsal, as soon as Maestro walked off the stage, they were at each other again. Consummate professionals, I must say.

So we got through the Thursday night concert and Friday, still with 24-hour news coverage, and most other events around the city being canceled. We were completely, SRO sold out for both concerts by people looking for a few hours of distraction, and the Romeros did not disappoint. They absolutely blew the doors off the place!

Saturday morning arrived. I went to the hotel to pick up the quartet to find the two younger quartet members, Celino and his cousin Lito. I found out that Lito was 34 at the time and Celino was my age, 32. Turns out the older guys didn’t want to do the interview and the sent the two younger guys to do it. Lito sat in the front seat and barely spoke. Celino sat in the back on his cell phone the entire drive to the radio station. We got to the station for the 11am interview and it was a complete disaster. The host of the show had done absolutely no preparation; I don’t think she even read the press materials I had sent her on the quartet or the orchestra. She had no questions prepared, she just sat there and smiled and nodded as Celino basically took over the interview and talked. I was mortified. Finally, after about 20 minutes we just sat there for about 10 seconds of dead air and Celino said something like, “well, thanks for having us. We’ll be going now.” He had to actually end the interview live on the air for this woman. Needless to say, I never booked another artist on that show!

The second we left the studio, Celino got back on his cell phone and talked the entire way back to the hotel. The only thing Lito said was to ask if I would stop at Starbucks so they could get coffee. I was convinced these guys thought I was a total idiot for setting up such a screwed up interview. So they got their coffee and I dropped them back at their hotel.

That evening before the concert I went to their dressing room to thank them again for doing the interview and to see if there was anything they needed. All four gentlemen were in much better spirits than they had been for the previous few days. When I walked out to go back to the lobby Celino and Lito came running after me. They were tired and didn’t have the energy to deal with a bunch of people who had traveled to New Orleans to see the concert. (Yes, apparently classical guitarists have groupies, too!). They asked me what they could do. I told them to stay in their dressing room after their performance because it was intermission and I would come get them after the second half of the concert started, and I would have a taxi waiting at the stage exit for them.

Nobody listens to me.

They decided to try to sneak out during intermission. I was standing outside the theater talking to my boss. I was facing the theater and didn’t see them walk out. All of a sudden my boss started clapping and shouting “Bravo!” turning everyone’s attention toward the four men. Next thing you know they’re mobbed.

The two older men actually got into one of the groupie’s cars and took off, leaving Lito and Celino standing there in the mob. Celino finally made his way over to me and asked if my car was there. I said sure and helped them get away from the adoring crowd. In the years working at the orchestra I’d gotten rather good at being able to separate these artists from their fans while putting the onus on me rather than them. So I explained to the crowd that the guys had an important appearance to make on behalf of the orchestra and I needed to get them there.

As I drove them back to their hotel they started asking me what was fun to do in New Orleans and I was telling them about the French Quarter and different places to go. Celino said that they were going to dinner with some of the folks and then asked what I was doing. I replied that I had nothing else to do that night; I didn’t have to go back to the concert because my boss knew I had to deal with them, so we made plans to meet at Louisiana Pizza Kitchen in the Quarter where they were supposed to meet Celino’s dad, their uncles, and the groupies. So I dropped them off, drove home, changed clothes, and headed back downtown.

When I got to the Pizza Kitchen, it was quite a sight. The two older guys were sitting at one end of a row of about 10 tables they had pushed together, smoking cigars looking like they were holding court, reveling in the attention of a bunch of ladies and more than a few gentlemen who are their biggest fans. I went up and greeted the older guys and sat with them for a minute and then made my way down to the opposite end where Celino and Lito were sitting with a late-30ish guy from Oklahoma who came down to New Orleans with his 10 year old son just to see these guys in concert.

We ordered dinner and talked for awhile, then the Oklahoma guy with the 10 year old son got on the topic of 9/11. He went on and on about pansy-ass Clinton and how he was so thankful that George W. was president during all of this. I just politely nodded and looked downward because I really didn’t want to get into it with this ignoramus. Now, I wasn’t the biggest Clinton fan around, but the way this guy was talking, Clinton would have immediately surrendered the country to the Taliban on September 11 and by September 15, when we were sitting there having dinner, we would all have been wearing turbans and swearing our allegiance to Allah. Please! Guys like that give conservatives a bad name. I noticed that Lito and Celino also had short answers and heads down while listening to this guy. It was almost embarrassing that a person this ignorant exists on this earth, and downright frightening that he is procreating.
We got through the dinner and the group decided to head to Café du Monde for coffee and beignets. For those of you unfamiliar with New Orleans, beignets are these fried plain doughnuts that, by municipal law, you are required to drown in powdered sugar and scarf down at the rate of 4 a minute.

As we walked toward Café du Monde it was about 11:30pm, and Celino came up to me and said that they wanted to hit the Quarter. When we got there, the older guys didn’t want us to take off, so there was a bit of a disagreement, but in the end the three of us headed toward Bourbon Street.

They wanted to go to Pat O’Brien’s for hurricanes, so we went up St. Peter Street with me in the lead. I walked into Pat O’s and straight to the patio bar where I ordered three hurricanes. All of a sudden, there’s Celino at my side saying “make that two.” I said, “what, you’re not drinking tonight?” And he replied, “no, Lito went home.” I was like, “WTF? He was just behind us.”

We got our hurricanes and started talking. Lito had some personal problems he was dealing with at the time (one was actually the source of much of the bickering that had gone on earlier in the week), and wanted to just go back to the hotel or who knows where and be by himself. So for the rest of the night it was just Celino and me.

We just clicked. It was one of those situations where you just totally feel comfortable with somebody even though you know very little about them. Through the course of the night we discovered that we have similar senses of humor, similar world views, and we’d been thrown together by circumstances that brought out the best in both of us.

We partied up and down Bourbon Street that night; I can’t remember ever before or since having so much fun on Bourbon Street. We saw some of my friends at the BBC (Bourbon street Blues Company) many of whom had gone to one of the concerts and were very happy to meet Celino. He was very gracious and I think he liked hanging out with them but after awhile I noticed him slinking back by himself again so I went up to him and suggested we leave.

He didn’t want to go home quite yet and he wanted another hurricane so we stopped by Pat O’s and got two more. Then we just went walking through the Quarter and did what has got to be the most New Orleansesque of anything one can do--we sat on some random stranger’s stoop and just talked. And talked and talked. I should clarify that I did most of the listening and he did most of the talking. He just unloaded everything he had been keeping inside of him all week.

They were stuck in Miami during 9/11. That day, he got a call from his wife that the family dog was dying and needed a $2,000 procedure to save her life. He and his wife had a 4 year old son who was devoted to the dog and they didn’t want to just let the dog die. So Celino’s poor wife was dealing with all this plus she was 7 months pregnant at the time. They went back and forth, should they spend the money or not? Finally on Thursday, his wife’s parents came up with $1,000 so C and his wife paid the other $1,000 and the dog went in for the procedure.

Right before I picked the guys up for their interview that morning, Celino got a call from his wife that the dog went through the procedure and actually died anyway. So that’s what the conversation on the way to the radio station was all about. Then, on the way back from the radio station that morning, he was back on the phone with his 4 year old son explaining to him why his beloved dog was not coming back.

That was the most heart-wrenching thing that happened among many others. We talked for hours. By the time I got home it was almost 5 in the morning. Celino and his family left that day (Sunday) and we’ve e-mailed and called back and forth ever since.

The next time I saw Celino was in Houston the following June. He was playing a solo for a University of Houston festival. He brought his family with him and I got to meet them after the concert. His wife is very sweet, as are his two boys. His wife actually wanted to go out with us but they hadn’t been able to get a sitter. She told me that she was surprised when she met me. I asked why, and she said that all she knew of how Celino and I met was that we spent the whole night in the French Quarter. She was picturing me as some frat-type party boy!

The last time I saw Celino was spring of 2007 in Boston. He had left the quartet in Europe while he came to play a solo with the Pensacola Symphony and had an 8-hour layover at Logan on the way back. So I picked him up and Bill and I took him out drinking and to the North End for Italian food. That was lots of fun. We were hoping he could stay a few days after the concert this weekend, but he has to hop a plane for Spain Sunday morning for another concert, so we’ll only have Saturday night. But he’s already warned me not to plan on getting too much sleep tomorrow night. So, I guess I’d better go rest up. Look for the concert (and party night) review to shortly follow.

What's In My Inbox

Tuesday was a sad day. Our 43rd president, Mr. George Walker Bush, left office to retire to his ranch in Crawford, TX. Sad, because the late-night comedians have no one at the top left to slam. Unfortunately, it seems as though President Obama is a pretty eloquent speaker, so for the next four or eight years our country may be looking to Vice President Joseph “Quayle Who?” Biden to provide political comic relief. It’s a sad day in America, my friends.

In the meantime, we can at least bid President Bush a proper goodbye, and I think this “appeal” for donations to his presidential library, sent to me by a friend, pretty much does the trick. Enjoy!

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The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations.
The Library will include:

-The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
-The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won’t be able to remember anything.
-The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even have to show up.
-The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.
-The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.
-The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
-The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
-The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
-The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
-The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.
-The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
-The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
-The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
-The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
-The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President’s accomplishments.

The library will also include many famous quotes by George W. Bush:

“The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.”
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”
“No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.”
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.”
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’”
“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”
“The future will be better tomorrow.”
“We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.”
“One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” (during an education photo-op)
“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”
“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.” (George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson)

PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!

Sincerely, Jack Abramoff, Co-Chair
G.W. Bush Library Board of Directors

Oiling Up My Dance Machine

There’s a radio station here in Boston, 93.7 MIKE-FM, and their tagline is “We play everything.” And boy, do they. From Zappa to Zeppelin, from Miles Davis to Metallica, from Davy Jones to Def Leppard, from Nat King Cole to N’SYNC, I’ve heard it all on this station. The best part, for me, is when they play some obscure 80’s song that I remember rocking out to back in the day that I never thought I’d hear again, indeed had forgotten all about. That has happened to me several times while listening to this station.

A few days ago, I got an incredible surprise driving back to the store from the bank. Tim Curry’s I Do The Rock started blaring out of my car speakers. I probably hadn’t heard that song on the radio in over 20 years, but I remember how much I love it.

Everyone knows Tim Curry as the lovable, crazy, and slightly evil transvestite who gets lasered by a guy with a banana on his head in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. My sister used to take me to the midnight showings of that movie when I was 10 years old and I just had the best time. It remains one of my favorite movies of all time.

Tim has had quite an illustrious career. Perhaps you remember him as Wadsworth/Mr. Boddy in the film version of the game Clue, or Rooster in the film version of Annie, or the bumbling hotel manager Mr. Hector in Home Alone 2, or the elocution specialist Dr. Poole in Oscar. Recently, he was part of the original Broadway cast of Monty Python’s Spamalot.

If you check his IMDB profile, you can see for yourself just how accomplished he is. He is a true artist. Back in the late 70s/early 80s, he put out a few rock albums with some incredible songs. For awhile, his songs hit mainstream radio, but not for long. I’ve always thought of Tim as the British version of Bruce Springsteen when it comes to music. He doesn’t have the best voice, but his voice evokes such emotion and passion as to make you feel as if you are with him, in the place and time that he is singing.

So take a few minutes and enjoy the videos I dug up on youtube. The first one is I Do The Rock. He mentions a lot of people and situations that might not be recognizable in this day and age, but my sister knows the details of the whole song. Maybe I’ll ask her to do a guest entry detailing the people and situations that he mentions in the song.



The next one is my personal favorite of Tim's, Paradise Garage. It totally rocks. Notice Dr. Frank-N-Furter walking by.



The third is one that truly illustrates Tim’s emotion and passion. Yes, it’s a Burt Bacharach tune (God help us), but Tim gives it something that Burt never could. Enjoy Anyone Who Had A Heart. I couldn't find a clip with Tim on screen, but someone on youtube actually took the time to put his version with a collage of House and Wilson scenes on House. Enjoy.

The Weekly Roundup

Open For Monkey Business
Governor says impeachment vote is politically driven
"The House's action today, and the causes of the impeachment, are because I've done things to fight for families who are with me here today," said Blagojevich. Can you believe the unmitigated arrogance of some people? No, Milorad. You are being impeached because, among many, many other reasons, federal agents have you on record saying that Barack Obama’s Senate seat “is a ... valuable thing, you just don't give it away for nothing.” Save some face, man. Admit what you’ve done wrong, apologize, and give up your position. It might be the only way to stay out of jail. And while you’re at it, please do something about that hair.
(CNN)

Happy New Year
U.S. Economy: 2008 Payrolls Drop Biggest Since 1945
More troubling news for the economy as well as all of us regular schlubs out there looking for a paycheck. Seems like it’s time for a resurgence of small businesses. Let’s just hope they’re given a level playing field, since they likely won’t be afforded the benefits of any government bailout.
(Bloomberg)

No Fair
Palin: Is Kennedy getting 'kid glove' treatment?
I am so sick of immature, whining politicians. What is Governor Palin whining about? Is she just trying to keep her name in the public’s stream of consciousness in preparation for her 2012 presidential bid? If so, this is not the way to do it. I can think of at least three reasons why media scrutiny was harder against Sarah Palin than it is against Caroline Kennedy. First of all, Sarah Palin was running for Vice President of the United States. There is only one of those people at a time, and he or she is a heartbeat away from becoming the most powerful person in the world. Caroline Kennedy is seeking an appointment as a Senator from New York. Should she get it, she would be one of 535 members of the legislative branch of the federal government. An important position, to be sure, but one that affects mainly the citizens of New York, and the rest of us not so much. Another possible reason for more scrutiny on Palin than Kennedy is the fact that Palin was asking us to vote for her. The people had a choice. Caroline Kennedy, while no doubt desiring favorable public opinion, when you get down to it has a constituency of one. Governor Paterson is the only one who has to be convinced that she can do the job. Finally, while Caroline Kennedy has been a public figure her whole life, Sarah Palin came out of relative obscurity and burst onto the national scene as the Vice Presidential nominee. People were naturally curious as to who this woman was. And, let’s face it, once you got over Obama’s crazy minister and Michelle Obama being proud of her country “for the first time in [her] adult life” there wasn’t much else new about the candidates. McCain’s been a national figure for years now; all of his skeletons are out there. And everybody knows what a nutcase Joe Biden is, so good or bad, the most interesting personal history story of the election was Sarah Palin. Stop whining and go shoot a moose!
(Associated Press)

Peace For A Piece
Israel, Hamas press on with Gaza war
How long will fighting go on before people realize that warfare in that region solves nothing? How many innocent people have to die before Israelis and Palestinians decide to live peacefully? It has nothing to do with getting what you want anymore. The only way to do that is for one side to kill everybody on the other side. And hopefully, the spineless United Nations would step in before that would ever happen. For sure, the US would. But for now, everyone’s just issuing “condemnations.” There has to be a way for everyone to peacefully coexist. In a compromise, no one gets exactly what they want. And when the stakes are so high, they have to be prepared to be even more disappointed than they might expect to be.
(Reuters)

Too Much
Baltimore Mayor Indicted in Theft and Perjury Case
Well, we’ve got Mr. Blagojevich on the state level being corrupt, Ms. Palin on the national level being ignorant, now we’ve got Ms. Dixon on the local level being both. Using gift cards that were donated for needy families? That suggests one who is morally bankrupt. All we can hope is that it is not true. But I fear not.
(New York Times)

Running Doubt
NFL notes: Tomlinson listed as doubtful
Isn’t this the third playoff year in a row that Tomlinson’s been unable to play? Maybe he really is hurt, or maybe it’s some kind of psychological thing. Who cares, anyway? This year's playoffs are probably the most boring ever.
(San Jose Mercury News)

Catwoman
Angelina Jolie Gives Anne Hathaway The Hairy Eyeball
Please explain to me why I’m supposed to care about this.
(Actress Archives)

I Wasn't Dreaming

It actually was a white Christmas in Stoneham. And, boy, was it ever. See, just because you get 6-9" of snow, that's not all you have to deal with. You need things like sidewalks, driveways, and yes, roads, so you plow, blow, or shovel the snow aside. So the snow piles up and then you're dealing with 36-48+" mounds of snow everywhere. And that's certainly what happened to us this Christmas. I'm not complaining, though. I love it! I love dealing with snow. And I love the cold so it was all right up my alley. But it is weird to look at, the snow piled up taller than a small child. Look at poor Mickey in Bob & Nancy's yard. He looks like he's about to drown in all that snow!

These pictures were taken on Christmas Eve. For awhile there, it looked like New Orleans was going to log more inches of snow in December than Boston. But, the first big snow storm moved in a few days before Christmas Eve, and the second the day before Christmas Eve, so the snow just kept on pilin'.


The front of the house


Bob & Nancy's across the street (look at poor Mickey)


Down the street


Looking down to Mike & Christine's

We headed back to Dev's for New Year's. Had a good time. Dev decorated and his place looked great. This is the small tree in the family room.



His big tree was in the front living room. The whole house just looked very festive for the holidays. We had a great time going out to dinner, hanging out with Cheryl & Mark on New Year's Eve, then watching the bowl games on New Year's Day, then having dinner with a bunch of friends on Friday. It was a good time.

One of my resolutions is to try and post to my blog at least twice a week. I started this in October 2007 to kind of journalize my life and share my thoughts with anyone who might want to read them, but I've been remiss in posting frequency. So, I want to make sure that I do something on this blog at least twice a week. I'd like to do the "Weekly Roundup" as often as possible as it is my favorite to write, although I have to admit, the most time-consuming part of the blog. But it's something to start with, anyway. If I have the weekly news roundup to commit myself to, there's one blog entry taken care of, then I only have to think of at least one other one. Maybe that will work.

Does anyone even read this blog? If you do, I'd love for you to shoot me an email or leave me a comment to let me know. That might help me figure out topics for future entries. If not, I'll just continue to post indiscriminately whatever thoughts might be floating through my head at any given time. Don't worry. And Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

As a special Christmas treat, here is the best Christmas song of all time. Enjoy!

You Know What?

The Spirit

Merry Christmas, everyone. Bill and I spent the day decorating the house, and now we're watching the Pats game and decorating the tree. Well, Bill's decorating the tree and I'm stalling by posting to the blog! Anyhow, here is our house:

And here is Nancy and Bob's house across the street:

Okay, they win.

Back to the tree!

O Tannenbaum

When I think of the major outcomes of the Louisiana Purchase, three things come to mind:

-It doubled the size of our country

-It paved the way for future western expansion of the United States, and

-It got me a Christmas tree in 2002.

See, what happened was, the bicentennial celebration of the Purchase occurred in 2003, and the LPO decided to commission an orchestral/choral piece to commemorate the event. The composer that we commissioned, Rob Kapilow, is the kind of composer that really tries to absorb intimate knowledge of the subjects of his compositions. He’s really an amazing artist. If you ever get the chance to check out one of his performances of What Makes It Great, make sure you go.

As part of the composition process, Rob wanted to meet as many true Louisianans as he could to find out what the Louisiana Purchase meant to them, and to find its relevance today. He made several trips down to meet with various constituencies that we would coordinate for him. This involved much travel by car around the state.

There is a particularly hectic 2-day period that I recall in early December 2002. Rob was in town for just a few days to meet with various groups and do some promotional activities for us; the piece was to premiere in January 2003 so it was basically crunch time on all fronts. My co-worker Ken and I were driving Rob around the state to get everything done on a Monday, and on Tuesday we had promotional activities scheduled in New Orleans. Problem was, we couldn’t spend the night on the road Monday night because Ken had to be back to perform in our educational concert Tuesday morning. So even though our last meeting got over at 8:30 at night in Shreveport, about a 6-hour drive from New Orleans, we had to drive back that same night.

We saved a bit of time by driving an hour to Baton Rouge on Sunday evening and spending the night there since our first meeting was there on Monday morning. But we still had to get up at 7:00 to make our first appointment. Then we drove for 2 hours to our second appointment, then another 3 hours for our third appointment, then another hour and a half to our last appointment in Shreveport. I ended up arriving home about 3:30 in the morning and got to sleep about 4.

I couldn’t sleep in on Tuesday because I had to get Rob to a radio interview and then get to the education concert Ken was playing in to take pictures and handle a TV crew that was covering it. After the concert I went back to the office for the rest of the day, then at 5:30 we had an event at the downtown main branch of the bank that was sponsoring the composition, where Rob would talk about his work and promote the upcoming concerts.

Operating on about 3 hours sleep in 37 hours, I chose to let the rest of the staff handle the on-site coordination of the sponsor event and volunteered to stand at a table and pour wine for the attendees. I noticed Ken leaning against one of the teller stations, available to answer questions but not much more. We were both exhausted, as was Rob, who mercifully kept his remarks short!

My friend Mark, probably one of the most generous people I know, came by to hear what Rob had to say about the piece and also to hang out with me by the wine bar. When he went to leave, he mentioned that he and his then-girlfriend, now-wife Sandy were going to look for Christmas trees for Sandy’s house. Drawing on my immense talent for sarcasm, I replied “ok, pick me up one while you’re at it.” I didn’t even think he heard me; he was halfway to the door by that point and just kind of waved back in my general direction, kind of like you do when you didn’t quite hear somebody but you don’t really care what they said.

Finally, I got home about 8:00 that night, stripped to my boxers and crashed onto my bed, oblivious to the world. I didn’t wake up until 8:00 the next morning, very groggy, probably from too much sleep. I noticed the little light blinking on the answering machine and it was Mark from 8:30 the night before asking if I was going to pick my tree up from him or if I wanted him to drop it off.

I listened to the message about 3 times, and in my groggy state had no idea what the hell he was talking about. After 2 cups of coffee, about halfway through my shower it hit me. I told Mark to get a tree for me, and Mark, being his usual efficient and generous self, actually bought a Christmas tree for me.

This is all Sandy’s fault, of course. She’s supposed to be the voice of reason in our lives. I asked her later how she could not know that I was being my usual stupid sarcastic self, and she replied that she thought it was a little strange, but Mark was so positive that I told him to get me a tree and she “never knows what’s going on when the two of y’all get together.” Then they tried to call me and got no answer, so they went ahead and got the tree.

Ok, I guess we can accept that. The best part was that we got to spend some time together the next night when I went over there to get the tree. We had dinner and just spent a pleasant time together, doing what friends are supposed to do during the holidays. It was an incredibly generous act for Mark and Sandy to get the tree for me, and I thanked them profusely, but after the whirlwind activity of the previous two days, the best part for me was being able to just kick back with a couple of friends, have dinner and talk over drinks, just enjoying being together.

For me, it’s what the holidays are all about.

Insane in the Hussein

Obama makes a play for college football playoff
Associated Press

''If you've got a bunch of teams who play throughout the season, and many of them have one loss or two losses, there's no clear decisive winner. We should be creating a playoff system,'' said President-Elect Barack H. Obama on 60 Minutes.

That is a perfectly valid opinion. And, pursuant to the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, Citizen Obama is solidly within his rights to express his opinion publicly.

But that wasn’t what the interview was about. The interview was about laying out his administration’s priorities for this country. The interview was about sharing with the American people his vision of the kind of president he is going to be. The interview was about telling the American people what he is going to do for them.

So he added, in continuation of this subject, “So, I'm going to throw my weight around a little bit. I think it's the right thing to do.”

Really? For who? For the hard-working, middle class family of five making $60,000 a year who are having their home taken away because predatory lenders increased their mortgage rates by 9 points in two years and now have to watch $700 billion of their money go to bail out the very financial institutions who also now own their house? For the 24-year old widowed mother of an infant whose husband lost his life thanks to a roadside bomb in Baghdad? For the 58-year old sheet metal worker whose body is rebelling after years of manual labor but can’t give up his job because he cannot afford health insurance any other way?

These are the people Barack Obama was elected to serve. Their problems are what his administration should focus on, and not what happens in college football. Many people are paid lots of money to figure out what is best for college football. A president is paid to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America. I have read the Constitution several times. Yes, I am a political geek with not much of a social life. That aside, I cannot find any article of or amendment to the Constitution that pertains to college football.

So, Mr. Obama, express your opinions all you like. But, please, reserve your throwing your weight around to issues that are going to affect the quality of your constituents’ lives. That is what you are going to be paid for.

That having been said, let me say that I agree with him on the need for a college playoff system. The BCS has proven to be an abject failure from the word go, and it creates much more controversy than it solves. Smart people need to get in a room and figure out a fair system, or just go back to the days before there was a national champion. I mean, honestly, does it really matter? College football is a way of life in this country; the absence of a national champion is not going to make people stop cheering for their teams.

But you won’t find me doing anything about all this at work. It’s not what I’m paid for.

Etc.
How long has Donovan McNabb been a player in the National Football League? Like almost 10 years? And he is not aware that two teams can tie? Um, yeah. It happens, Big D. Maybe not a lot, but it happens. So I’m listening to his press conference and I’m laughing my head off thinking how could this man not know the rules of the NFL? Then he asks the reporters what happens during the playoffs! I about fell off my chair at that one.

It’s nice and cold here in Massachusetts. We won’t get out of the 40s all week, and might get some snow flurries toward the end of the week.

What’s with the holidays this year? Halloween was barely over when two radio stations began playing nothing but Christmas music! Retailers are freaking out because no one’s shopping for presents yet. At least one house in Stoneham is completely and elaborately decorated for Christmas already. THANKSGIVING IS NEXT WEEK, PEOPLE. Chill the hell out. I’m sick of “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” already. By the way, did you know he had a shiny nose?


The Westfield State Owls are off to a 1-1-1 start. Not too bad for a team that was just revived this season after a years-long hiatus. Bill’s nephew Mikey is the co-captain, and I’ve been to one game already (the one where they won!) and going to another game this weekend. Go Owls! (Mikey’s the one on the left, in case you don’t recognize him from earlier posts).

Groan
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . .
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) . . .
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

B-Mac In Da House

So the Big Bubster was in town last weekend, and we tore it up as usual. I always enjoy visits from friends here in the Great White North, but especially from the Bubmeister. He and I are as close as two people can be. We have long, interesting, involved conversations about every aspect of our lives, reliving moments that we’ve shared, places we’ve been, detailing personal events in our lives that have taken place since the last time we were together. That’s why I enjoy Bub’s visits. Oh, yeah, and he brings daiquiris!

Friday
Bub got in around 6:30 Friday night, only about an hour late. Frank had set me up with a special parking permit, but by the time I got there Bub had already gotten his luggage and was walking toward the parking area. I was stunned. Usually Logan likes to make people wait for their luggage. I remember one time I was waiting for Dev to get his luggage for about a hour. That was an interesting experience. This was before they opened the “cell phone lot” to wait for pickups so you kind of just had to drive around until the luggage finally came, or pay upwards of $20 to park in the lot. There were about five of us waiting for people from the same flight. We’d find a place to park and wait, then the state police would come and tell us we had to move. So, the five of us would drive out of the airport, then back in and find another place to wait, until the cops would show up again, then we’d repeat the exercise. This happened three or four times before our passengers finally got their luggage and showed up. I can’t really fault the staties, though, because they let us sit in our positions for 10-15 minutes before they shooed us, and only did so after other cars tried to jump onto our bandwagon creating potential traffic problems.
Anyhow, so there’s Bub with the daiquiris and all, and we drove to Stoneham, dumped his gear and took off for Mike & Di’s house for pizza.

Ahh, Michael’s pizza. One of the true joys in life. The man makes the best pizza I’ve ever tasted. Poor Bub, having been to Boston/Stoneham at least six times since I’ve moved here, had never had Mike’s homemade pizza, so we arranged to let him have some this time. So Bill, Bub, Frank, Anne, Danny and I all descended upon the Muolo residence for dinner. Jess was there with some of her friends, too, and later Di and Sarah came home. It was a fun night. Bill harassed me into taking the gallon of Long Island Tea daiquiris Bub brought, over my strong objections. I brought my camera and meant to get some shots, but I was kind of in a pizza/daiquiri orgasm and never really pulled the camera out. Oh, well. We ended the night by watching this karaoke game show on TV where you’re supposed to finish the lyrics when they cut off the song. It was a lot of fun. Di and I were by far the best at that game!

Bub loved sleeping upstairs with the adults instead of his usual cubbyhole in the corner of the basement. What can I say?

Saturday
Saturday started off with hope in our hearts and anticipation in my belly. Hope that the LSU Tigers would beat the Alabama Crimson Tide (and Mr. Coach Nick Saban at the same time) and anticipation of some great chicken/andouille gumbo Bub was making. Well, I guess 1 out of 2 ain’t bad? Bub made some delicious gumbo, but the Tigers just weren’t able to answer the strong Alabama offense. Oh, well. Poor Bub never got the pork ribs he was hoping for. I marinated them like I was supposed to, put them on the grill, and then just kind of forgot about them as the game continued. Taylor had come by and the three of us were watching the game. Well, by the time I went out to check the ribs, every single one of them was on fire. One of them actually disintegrated as I grabbed it with the tongs, and ash fell into the grill. Yeah. So, there went that.

Taylor didn’t mind too much; he was meeting his mom and his girlfriend later for dinner, but poor Bub was heartbroken. He cheered up later (even though LSU lost) when I took him to RF O’Sullivan’s, a burger place in Somerville that I’d heard about several times but never went to. The burgers were quite tasty, the beer cold, and the service good.

Bub just loved his burger & beer!

Sunday
The Patriots were taking on the Buffalo Bills for first place in the AFC East, and we had scored tickets from Bill’s friend Steve. These Pats fans know how to tailgate, I’ll give them that! This one guy opens up the entire back of his truck for the party.

We had some Coors Lite for our own tailgate, though, so even though we weren’t as sophisticated as some around us, we had our fun, too!

As we walked to our seats, I noticed this lady walking in front of us dressed all outrageously. I couldn't help but take a picture of her fuzzy boots. Do you think she belongs in Paris, or Milan?

Great seats, corner end zone in the mezzanine. We had a lot of fun, and even though it wasn’t the most exciting game I’ve ever been to, the Pats came out on top!

On the way home, we saw the oddest thing. The car in front of us had one of those scrolling electronic message boards on the bottom of the license plate cover. I’ve never seen one of these things before on a license plate. Here are some of the messages it was flashing:

“I AM A CHID OF GOD” (Not quite sure what a “chid” is)

“I LOVE YOU! DRIVE SAVE” (Yeah, “save”)

Something about the “QUEEN OF LIBYA”

Is this legal? Is this safe (or “save”)?

Whatever. It was certainly entertaining.

We got home, grabbed Bill, and ended Bub’s visit with a trip to our local hangout, Grimsby’s. We had dinner, we played keno, we lost (as usual).

But all in all, a good time as usual. I brought Bub to the airport on Monday morning to end his all-too-short visit. As always, I was a little sad to see Bub go, but, of course, we’ll always have Foxboro.

Etc.
Unfortunately, the Pats gave up the first place spot to the Jets tonight. It was an exciting game and Matt Cassell had the best performance of his career, but the defense failed us in the end.

The weather is nice and cold. We might be getting our first snow flurries on Tuesday!

We’re headed out to Westfield Saturday to see Mikey’s second hockey game. Should be quite a show!

What's In My Inbox

Apparently, the Democrats' strategy failed. No idea where this came from, but somehow it ended up in my inbox. Read on...

--

Failure to Blow Election Stuns Democrats
Party Faithful Mourn End to Losing Tradition

Just minutes after their party's longstanding losing tradition lay in tatters on the ground, millions of shell-shocked Democrats stared at their television screens in disbelief, asking themselves what went right.

For Democrats, who have become accustomed to their party blowing an election even when it seemed like a sure thing, Tuesday night's results were a bitter pill to swallow. The head-shaking and finger-pointing over the demise of the Democrats' losing streak, which many of the party faithful had worn like a badge of honor, reached all the way to the upper echelons of the Democratic National Committee.

"Believe me, I'm as shocked by these results as anybody," said DNC chief Howard Dean, who indicated he has received hundreds of calls from incredulous party members. "We did everything in our power to screw this thing up."

Dean pointed to several key elements the Democrats put in place to ensure defeat, ranging from "a rancorous primary campaign" to "the appointment of me." "Somehow, despite our best efforts to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, we won," he said. "I came in here with a mandate to blow this thing and I didn't get it done."

Carol Foyler, a lifelong Democrat who owns a loom supply store in Portland, Maine, said she has been "nearly catatonic" since the election results were announced. "For the past eight years, I've fixed myself some herbal tea, turned on NPR, and ranted about the Republicans, " she said. "All that has been taken from me."

In other news, Sen. John McCain offered this comment on Sen. Barack Obama's victory: "My friends, I've got him just where I want him."

--

Groan
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

Who's The Boss?

Whatever your feelings about Barack Obama, you cannot deny that last night was an historic night. And our President-Elect is quite an eloquent speaker. He had that crowd, and anyone who was watching on television, enthralled. He’s certainly got things going in his favor—commanding electoral vote mandate, a decent popular vote mandate, and a Democratic Congress. Expectations will be high.

Let’s hope that Barack Obama lives up to the oath he will take on January 20th. Let’s hope that he is able to rise above the demagoguery and partisanship prevalent in Washington, and actually govern. And let’s hope that he never forgets that he has been elected to serve us, the citizens.

That is a lesson that his buddy Edward Rendell, Governor of Pennsylvania, would be wise to remember. During the never-ending election coverage last night, Governor Rendell was asked if he would consider leaving Pennsylvania and serving in the Obama administration if asked.

Rendell’s answered by chuckling and then saying, “No, I’ve been my own boss for over 30 years.”

Excuse me, Ed? You were elected District Attorney of Philadelphia in 1977, Mayor of Philadelphia in 1987, and Governor of Pennsylvania in 2002. You are NOT your “own boss.” Your job is to serve the citizens of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. They elected you to do a job. Their taxes pay your salary. You are accountable to them.

This is the problem with politicians in our country. The founding fathers never expected public service to be a career. You spent some time serving your constituents, then went back to your real life. It was, to them, akin to military service, something to be proud of, something to do for awhile and then go back to being a regular citizen. George Washington, John Adams, James Madison, and James Monroe all went back to being farmers after their presidencies. Thomas Jefferson went back home and ran his farm while at the same time writing political philosophy, very little for which was he actually paid. These men weren’t creating dynasties for themselves. In fact, James Madison died almost penniless.

Many others who served in these presidents’ administrations served out their terms, then went back to their regular lives.

Imagine that happening today. Anyone who achieves a high position in government stays there or runs for higher office. They almost never leave public service voluntarily; if they do leave, it’s because they are voted out or offered lucrative jobs in the private sector. The only ones who retire are presidents, and even then no way would they ever end up like Mr. Madison. Millions and millions of dollars in book deals and speaking fees see to that. There hasn’t been one president in my lifetime who hasn’t become richer since leaving office than before or during their term. No one in this day and age is going to be the statesman Jefferson was, and use his knowledge and insights for public good without making several bucks off of it.

Governor Rendell’s attitude is indicative of this. The man thinks that he is his “own boss” instead of an accountable public servant. A quick google search revealed that this is a chronic attitude of his and not just a one-time slip of the tongue.

This attitude will only continue and prevail among people whose salaries are paid from public funds until the electorate wakes up and demands more. Hopefully, the enthusiasm of some and disappointment of others over Barack Obama’s election is indicative of a renewed engagement of the electorate.

Groan
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Take Your Shaheen And Stick It Right Up Your Sununu

I just want it to be over.

No, I still haven’t decided whom I’m voting for president. The decision probably won’t be made until I’m in the voting booth. It will come down to a gut feeling. And whatever my gut tells me, I’ll probably vote for the other guy. Last time I had a gut feeling was in 2000 when I voted for GW Bush. I regretted it very shortly after, when I realized that he is a man of no character. The way you know that he is a man of no character was his willingness to accept the blatant bias of his brother’s staff in Florida in conducting the recount. A man of character would have insisted on taking state officials out of the equation. But the second it came down to Florida Mr. Bush knew he had it locked up. Was he the rightful winner? Probably. But that has nothing to do with the character issue.

There are certain qualities and certain ideas I like from each candidate. There are certain issues I have with each candidate. I am not one of these people who think that one or the other is critical in the survival of our country. Our country will be just fine. For all of our differences, Americans are by and large a resilient people. We have proved that time and time again. The specific person occupying the White House has much less to do with how my life is going than the people whom I elect on a local level.

Nonetheless, here is how I stand on the hotbutton issues with the two major presidential candidates:

Economy: McCain. More regulation is going to solve nothing. What we need to do is tell the banking giants, “Fine. We won’t regulate you anymore. But when you get yourself into these messes, don’t under any circumstances expect the government to bail you out. You want a free market economy, you got it. Good luck.” And then we need to stand by that. In a truly free market economy, the best will rise to the top. And if the best get so big that they get arrogant and take huge risks, then they need to suck it up, accept their losses, and let the next guy move in. It’s the only fair way.

Taxes: Obama. This one is kind of selfish, I’ll admit, because my personal taxes will be lower. But comparing the two tax plans, Obama’s spreads the wealth more. Now, let me be clear: I am completely against socialism, but if we are going to continue to pay taxes, then by definition we are paying into a socialist system. Everyone’s money is being taken by the government to provide services for all. Therefore, the burden should be shared relative to what each can afford. It’s not pretty, but that’s how it is. We all have the same needs, and whether you make $10,000 a year or $20,000,000 a year, bread costs the same. Milk costs the same. Gas costs the same. I don’t think it’s out of line to ask people to get by with a few fewer luxuries beyond the basic necessities of life.

Iraq: Obama. It’s time. We’ve been there long enough. Enough American lives have been lost in this invented war. Mr. No Character wanted to avenge the embarrassment of his daddy, and that’s why we invaded. I’m not saying that our troops haven’t done some good work over there. In fact, I know for a fact they have. But it’s time to support the Iraqis in running their own country, and nothing more.

Gay marriage: Neither. The government needs to recognize every union between two people as a marriage, or they need to recognize no union between two people as marriage. It’s right there in the document that defines our beliefs: “All men are created equal.” Period. End of discussion. If you would like to continue this debate, please do so in the hallowed halls of your religious organizations. Or in Vegas. And then please move on to issues that matter.

Energy: Neither. We need to end all government tax incentives, subsidies, whatever you want to call them to the oil companies and auto manufacturers. We need to invest that money into organizations that are serious about researching and finding alternative energy sources. Come on, people. There’s got to be a better way. Think of all of the technological advances that have taken place in the past 50 years. We’re using electrons in ways that no one would have imagined possible. We’re using radio waves in ways that no one would have thought possible. We’re using human stem cells in ways that no one would have ever thought possible. And yet the combustion engine works pretty much the same way as it did in 1958. Does something seem fishy to you? Because it does to me.

So there’s where I stand on a few of the issues facing the candidates in this election. For me, it’s going to be a gut thing when I step up to the voting booth.

I can say this: I will be very happy when the Senate race between two people that don’t even affect my life, that I’m not even able to vote for or against, is over.

In New Hampshire, Jeanne Shaheen is running against John Sununu for Senate. And since I live so close to New Hampshire, and many New Hampshire residents get Boston television as their local channels, so I’ve been subjected to this campaign. Don’t ask me where either candidate stands on any of the issues. I don’t know. However, if you watch the commercials, you can get a sense of each campaign’s strategy: accuse the other of being a Bush lackey. Good luck.

Undecided

I still don't know whom I'm voting for.

My Republican friends look at me like I'm crazy and say, "What are you, crazy? It HAS to be McCain." Of course, they would vote for Hitler were he running under the Republican ticket (and still alive, of course, although that might not matter to some).

My Democratic friends look at me like I'm crazy and say, "What are you, crazy? It HAS to be Obama." Of course, they would vote for Hitler were he running under the Democratic ticket (and still alive, of course, although that might not matter to some).

Me, I like to study the proposals of each candidate, hear what they have to say about themselves, hear what they have to say about each other, determine who has the best ideas, is more enlightened, more curious, more adaptable. Everybody else likes to be spoon-fed. I refuse to be spoon-fed.

So, a week from yesterday, it will be time for the sheep to line up again and go to their respective sides of the pen. Red sheep on the right, blue sheep on the left, and all those shades of gray, well just mill about until you end up on one side or the other.

Obama and McCain. The best our country could come up with? Absolutely not. Just the two most willing and best at playing the game. It's all fun and games until something happens. Until then, how the hell do we know?

The Friendly Skies

[BUMP]

It was a pretty good week in New Orleans. Delta once again came through and got me there and home again quite comfortably and with no delays. Right now I’m on my flight from Atlanta back to Boston, and I really have no complaints.

[BUMP]

I used to be a pretty big critic of airline travel. It just seems that they take your money and then treat you like common cattle, only stupider. Stand in line to check in. Follow the procedure or get pushed aside while they deal with people who know what’s going on. Stand in line to check your bag. God himself can’t help you if your bag’s over the weight limit.

[BUMP]

Stand in line to go through security. Remove your belt. Remove your shoes. Put everything on the conveyor. No, no, no. Remove your laptop from the case and put it in a separate bin. Still got your watch on? What kind of idiot are you? Please step back through the detector, remove your watch, you moron, place it in the bin, and step through again. Okay. Obviously, you’re nowhere near intelligent enough to carry out a terrorist plot, so go ahead.

[BUMP]

Okay, at the gate. You’re at A1. But your flight takes off from K88. I don’t care that your ticket, the counter agents, and the flight information board all say that your flight takes off from A1, sir. Please walk back out of the security checkpoint and through the airport to Terminal K, conveniently located only two zip codes away, go back through security, and report to Gate K88. You’ve got 6 minutes, you’ll be fine.

[BUMP]
Red-faced, panting, down 3 quarts of sweat, at K88. Ready to board, got myself an aisle seat, 18C! Right? Well, no sir, we should have closed the flight 4 minutes ago but we didn’t because the co-pilot just arrived from his weekend in South Beach. He hasn’t even been to bed yet, haha! But as soon as he washes the banana daiquiri stain from the collar of his uniform shirt, we’ll be on our way.

[BUMP]

In the meantime, sir, we had to give your seat away to one of our stand-by’s, a college student named Joe who’s been waiting here for three days to go visit his mother in prison. Poor kid hasn’t even had a bath much less a meal. But we still have availability for you in Row 75, Seat E, right in between a semi-professional bodybuilder with a 47" lat spread and a rather plump woman on her way to a weight loss camp. Hurry aboard.

[BUMP]

Board plane, inexplicably lose balance and slam into seat 18C, smile evilly to passengers 18A&B who have suddenly noticed a strange smell, proceed to cargo area, apologize to sequoia tree on legs while maneuvering into seat.

[BUMP]

So again, here I am on my flight back to Boston, enjoying a $3 bag of trail mix consisting of approximately 4 peanuts, 3 dried up pieces of what used to be imitation cranberry or raspberry plastics (no one’s really sure) and some crushed chocolate substance, and drinking my ginger ale and like I said everything’s really okay

[BUMP]

GODDAMMIT WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THAT CHILD UP? OR AT LEAST PREVENT HER FROM KICKING THE BACK OF MY HEAD EVERY TWO MINUTES?

The bodybuilder and the plump lady shift in their seats, each giving me back a good inch of my seat space, looking at me with respect anew. The male flight attendant named Sunshine (yeah) is asking if there’s anything I need. I need a new bag of trail mix, thank you very much. As he walks away, eager to please me, I just know…

They’re not going to skimp on the plastic berries this time.

Life is good.

Things You Wish You Knew

Good evening everyone. My name is Mr. Useless Facts Guy. What I do is I troll the internet looking for things that are fun to know yet serve no useful purpose in your life. I do this so that when Dennis is busy with things like watching Game 5 of the ALCS and switching back and forth to the LSU/South Carolina game, I can post a blog entry for him. Enjoy!

According to Useless Facts and Statistics:

A cesium atom in an atomic clock beats 9,192,631,770 times a second
If you divide the Great Pyramid's perimeter by two times it's height, you get pi to the fifteenth digit
A piece of paper can be folded no more then 9 times
4,000 people are injured by tea pots every year
In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivelent of 5 times around the equator
Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined
There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo
The Boston University Bridge on Commonwealth Avenue is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio
It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California

According to Useless Statistics:

The average 4-year-old asks over 400 questions a day
The average adult spends about 12 minutes in the shower per day
The average person keeps old magazines for 29 weeks before they throw them out
The average person speaks about 31,500 words per day
The average person spends about 2 years on the phone in a lifetime
The average person will spend two weeks over their lifetime waiting for the traffic lights to change

According to My View From The Jeep:

More Monopoly money is printed yearly than real money throughout the world
People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier errors worldwide
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death
Alexander Graham Bell's wife and mother were both deaf
The "O" when used as a prefix in Irish surnames means "descendant of"
Every human breaks wind at least 15 times a day
Fish scales are an ingredient in most lipsticks
Frank Baum, the writer of "The Wizard of OZ", looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz"
About 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens each year

Groan
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Don't Be N. A. Hole

Actually, you can't. That name belongs to a guy who has become my hero.

It's dangerous to do this, because it might cause me to lose my faithful readers (both of you), but tonight I'm going to suggest that you check out another blog.

I stumbled across this blog one night when I was doing a web search for something or other, I can't even remember now. I probably didn't even find what I was looking for that night because I spent the rest of the night reading the entire blog. Ever since, I have checked his blog every day to satisfy my thirst for his unique way of sharing his ideas.

Some would say he's crass. He is.

Some would say he's rude. He is.

Some would say he's profane. He is.

Some would say he makes sense. He does.

Some would say he's intelligent. He is.

Some would say he's funny. He is.

Here is how he describes himself from the "About" section of his blog.

"I'm N.A. Hole

"Listen, I don’t want to brag, but I’m an asshole. When I was born I guess that my parents were drunk or something because they called me N.A. I don’t have a name, just two fucking letters: N.A. What sucks even more than not having a name is that my last name is fucking Hole. That’s right, my name is N.A. Hole - as in an a-hole as in an asshole - and it stinks. Imagine with me if you will what it was like for me growing up - 'oh look, there goes an a-hole' 'oh my god, an a-hole asked me out for a date' etc. I think you get the fucking picture.

"For what it’s worth, I decided to start a site to see if I couldn’t put my name to some good use for all mankind. And if I can’t, well fuck it."

If you're in need of some entertainment as well as some enlightenment, check out his blog through the link below:

Ask An A-Hole

Etc.
The Sox pulled it off in Game 5. It certainly won't be easy from here.

Of course, the weekend I'm going to be in New Orleans, the Saints are playing a home game. IN LONDON!

The Blazer needs a new starter. Good thing I won't need it for a week.

Groan
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

People

Drivers in need of Ed
I think I’ve done a pretty good job of not slamming Massachusetts drivers, but I’ll try to make up for it tonight.

It’s really distressing, because New Orleans isn’t at the top of most lists, but until I moved here I thought that New Orleans was at least #1 in bad drivers. But I was wrong. I was very wrong.

It’s not that drivers here are necessarily reckless or necessarily rude. Some are, but the vast majority just have no clue. And the scariest thing they have no clue about is right of way. Massachusetts drivers have no idea which car has the right of way. I’ve seen this play out in so many scenarios it’s ceased being funny. People in the right lane of the highway have no idea that they are supposed to allow cars to merge onto the highway. They tend to tailgate the car in front of them at merge points, in many cases forcing merging vehicles to drive along the shoulder until someone allows just enough room for the merging car to sneak in.

Possibly, they make up for this highway rudeness by being overly polite, or perhaps just ignorant, on city streets. I’ve actually been behind people, on more than one occasion, where we were going down a main street, we clearly had right of way over cross streets that had stop signs, and for no apparent reason, the car in front of me came to a complete stop in order to let someone at a stop sign go.

This might seem like the ultimate in politeness, but it’s actually the ultimate in stupidity, because I’ve had to slam on my brakes to avoid plowing into the back of these people. You just don’t expect the person in front of you to come to a complete stop in the middle of a main street. And it always takes longer for the person at the stop sign to realize that the idiot in front of me is not going to move until they do, than it would have taken for him and me to have driven past and given the driver a clear path to proceed.

I have not figured out if people are trying to make up for their rudeness on the highways by being overly polite on the surface streets, or if people here honestly have no clue whose right of way it is in any given situation. But I know what I think.

There are certain things you just “know” as a driver in the Boston area. You just know that, when coming to an intersection where a car is waiting at a stop sign, unless you’re right on the intersection, the car is going to turn in front of you. It just is. After you’ve seen it a few hundred times, it’s just something you know is going to happen. Same thing if you’re coming upon someone who is poised to turn left in front of you.

Today I was coming back from the bank on a two-way street going about 30mph. At one point the lanes widen to allow a center turning lane near some stores. I was about a block and a half away from the turn lane when a late-teens, early-20ish guy pulls into it, so naturally I think that he is going to turn in front of me. I’m getting closer and closer and he still hasn’t made a move so I figure I’ve found the one driver in the greater Boston area (besides myself, of course) that actually understands the whole concept of “right of way.”

Well, I was wrong. He sat there and for some reason waited until I was about 30 feet from the intersection and turned in front of me, causing me to slam on my brakes and screech to a stop, barely missing his bumper. Why would he do this? If you’re going to turn in front of me, why not do it when I’m more than a block away instead of sitting there until I’m almost on you and then decide you just cannot wait three seconds more?

People are idiots.

Civility Lacking
Some things are just so easy to do. Like when you’re walking through a door, it’s just so easy to hold it open just a little longer for the person behind you.

I do this all the time. It’s become second nature to me. Sometimes I’ll hold the door open even when there isn’t anyone behind me, just to keep in practice.

Most people are very polite right back, saying thank you, nodding, or smiling. And on those occasions when people aren’t polite, it really doesn’t bother me. Sometimes people get caught up in what they’re doing and just don’t notice little acts of kindness that occur when they’re focused. They should, but it’s not the rudest thing in the world so I just don’t pay them any attention.

There comes a point, however, in which it becomes less of a social nicety and more of an actual personal favor to hold the door for someone. In that case, I think that it is incumbent upon the person to actually say “thank you.”

That happened for me today. I was coming out of the post office, and there is a heavy door that leads into the foyer where there is an entrance door on the right and an exit door on the left. I opened the door to leave and there was an elderly lady about to enter, so of course I held the door for her. She smiled, nodded, and proceeded into the post office. Then I noticed a 30ish obviously pregnant lady about 15 feet away climbing the stairs that lead to the entrance with a large baby car seat in her left hand and a box in her right hand, struggling up the last stair. I decided to wait where I was to hold the heavy door open for this lady. She walked up to the door, then stopped, put the baby seat and the box on the ground in the entranceway (had I let go of the door at that point the heavy door would have slammed into her), removed her sunglasses, put the sunglasses into her purse, picked up her box and baby seat, then walked right past me into the foyer. At no time during this entire process did she so much as look my way, much less offer a thank you.

Now, I hadn’t exactly saved this woman’s life. I wasn’t expecting her to fall to the ground and praise my name in gratitude. But nothing? It pissed me off, so as the heavy door swung closed I couldn’t help but look back and say in a very loud voice, as she was opening the inside door in the foyer, “please, don’t mention it!”

People are idiots.

Etc.
The Sox are 1-0 against the Rays in the ALCS. Go Sox!

We’ve got two more prospects about to sign on to the web site. This thing’s really starting to take off!

There was a cold snap, but now the days are warm again. I’m ready for fall.

Hilarious Parody

If you missed it and have an extra 11 minutes or so, check out SNL's parody of the Biden/Palin debate. Queen Latifah looks like she's about to lose it several times, and I can't blame her.

Things to look for:

"I love John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But at the same time, he's also dangerously unbalanced. I mean let's be frank, John McCain, and again this is a man I would take a bullet for, is bad at his job, and mentally unstable." Too funny!

"I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers." Classic!
SNL VP Debate Parody

Taking The Plunge

Boy, it's a good thing this bailout bill passed or Wall Street might have taken a hit.

Sarcastic? Who, me?

The New York Times

You've Done Nothing

It was a great game. I completely enjoyed watching it. But, understand that all you've done is guarantee yourselves at least three more games this season. Bring it!

MLB.com

The Weekly Roundup

You Bet’cha
Palin-Biden debate sets TV ratings record
Perhaps it was because there was absolutely nothing on TV last night besides this debate! The ballgame was a blowout and every single channel had the debate going. We turned it on after it became clear that the game wasn’t going to get any better. I’ve never been very interested in Vice Presidential debates; I mean seriously. We vote the top of the ticket, not the bottom. An elected Vice President really hasn’t been relevant since LBJ in the 60s. At first it was just background noise as I did some work on the computer but then I started actually watching, and I have to say I came away from the debate with more respect for both Biden and Palin. He managed to avoid being petty and condescending, and actually came off compassionate and knowledgeable without any gaffes as he is famous for. She actually showed up prepared, which shows that she studied for this debate. I have no problems with candidates who don’t know all the details about all the issues, but you need to show a penchant for picking things up, and she certainly was a fast study. But what struck me the most about this debate was the level of communication. You actually learned something about these two during the course of the debate. It wasn’t just an alternating hooray for our side/boo for your other side kind of thing, like the Obama/McCain debate was. You actually had two leaders engaging in meaningful dialogue and each came off as honest. Still don’t know who I’m voting for, but I am at least impressed with whoever wins the #2 spot.
(Reuters)

He’s Bailing
Paulson Moves On to Nuts and Bolts of Rescue
After all this, they’re still saying we will most likely see a deep recession. Basically, we’re screwed already so I repeat, WHY are we bailing these people out? Why don’t we let the market adjust on its own? If we’re going to have to suffer the effects of recession anyway, why don’t we suffer a little more for a little longer and then possibly come away with a new model for financial markets that actually works like it's supposed to?
(Washington Post)

Granny’s Got a Gun, Part II
Ohio woman, 90, shoots self during eviction; Fannie Mae forgives loan
Maybe instead of buying bad debts, the government should just hand out free guns to anyone who is about to be foreclosed on. Then maybe the whole thing would just work itself out, case by case, one way or another.
(USA Today)

Tough Luck
Chance meeting leads to arrest in 1967 killing
This has to be one of the craziest arrests I’ve ever heard about. For 41 years this guy has been running the streets and because some police officer took an interest in a story told to him by an Alzheimer’s patient at a dinner party, the suspect is now in custody. Wow.
(Associated Press)

Perv
Police: Pa. landlord spied on 34 female tenants
Seriously, can’t you just download porn like a normal person? It’s easy to find, and it’s free. Um….so I’ve been told.
(Associated Press)

What's In My Inbox

Today is International Disturbed People's Day

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.. You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special

Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Today's Message of the Day is:

Life is short,

Break the rules,

Forgive quickly,

Kiss slowly,

Love truly,

Laugh uncontrollably,

And never regret anything that made you smile.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.

---------------------------------------------------------

This was sent to me by a very disturbed friend!

Etc.

The Sox are 1-0 in the first round of the playoffs. Geaux Sox!

It's getting nice & cool. Autumn has arrived. Woohoo!

I'll be in New Orleans October 21-28. Anybody wanna get together? Hit me up.

Groan

I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a mussel.

I Wonder...

-how I can get the same deal as NFL referees: "criticize me, and you have to pay a fine!" But no. If I want you to stop criticizing me I have to actually, you know, improve.

-why I can’t join the YLC Facebook group, even though I am a dues-paying member, just because I’m not in the New Orleans, LA network.

-while thinking about facebook, how much better the world would be if people spent as much time and energy on recruiting, supporting, and voting on candidates who actually have something to offer as they do on griping, complaining, petitioning, and boycotting the new facebook layout. Just deal with it already!

-why we are responsible for our own financial situations, but people who are responsible for billions of dollars of other people’s money qualify for a bailout.

-while thinking about the bailout, where this $700 billion is coming from. If the unfortunate collapse hadn’t happened, would every taxpayer in America have gotten around $3,000 back from the federal government this year? Or are we finally going to sell California to the Russians?

-why Lincoln promotes its MKS using “Major Tom,” a ballad that is about the complete systems failure of a mechanical object.

-why Bubby texts me things like, “Sucks! It’s ok well just me the shit out of them” as if I am supposed to understand what the hell that means.

-how to convince Bill that 83 degrees is warm enough to put the air conditioner on, even though it’s “almost October.”

-where Paul Newman is.

-why Don Imus lost his job for calling Rutgers female basketball players “nappy-headed ho’s” yet Sandra Bernhard faces no public outrage for suggesting that Sarah Palin be raped by her “big black brothers.”

Groan
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

What's In My Inbox

The Weekly Roundup

Money Matters
A changed Wall Street hopes for positive signs
As soon as the federal government agrees to spend billions and billions of taxpayer dollars to bail out the rich (yet again) they go ahead and ramp up again. How many times are we going to bail these people out until they get it right? And doesn’t all this bailing out cripple the natural evolution of a market-driven economy? Where would so many of the small businesses that fail every year be if we didn’t feel it necessary to equip big investment companies with golden parachutes when they clearly don’t learn from their mistakes?
(International Herald Tribune)

Bring It On, Bitches
In video, Al Qaeda vows more U.S. attacks
They talk tough, but all they want to do is kill innocent people who haven’t done a thing to them just to make a point. I guess the point they’re trying to make is, “we can kill people.” Really, what they are is a bunch of cowards that deserve our pity and to be wiped off the planet.
(CNN)

Got Scandal?
Milk off shelves as China's safety scandal grows
Who could have seen this one coming? Of all the processed products out there, who ever would have thought that milk would be a target of additives that will make people sick? And with the suggestion of animal urine possibly being added, I don’t know if I’ll ever drink milk again.
(Associated Press)

The Snoops Trial
Class action lawsuit charges President, NSA with illegal surveillance
Of course, this will never go anywhere, and that’s a shame. I completely agree with President Bush that terrorists are still looking to attack this country and that we need to use whatever methods are available to find out who they are and what they plan. But I would argue that arbitrary, unwarranted spying on Americans is not a method available to the government. If we’re going to give up our civil rights in the name of security, then what freedoms, exactly, are we trying to preserve?
(BetaNews)

And the Smog Gets Heavier
Light Rail Train Hits Bus in LA; 14 Injured
Two train catastrophes in one week in LA. At least this one didn’t involve any fatalities. Hopefully the MTA will get its act together after this one.
(ABC News)

Damn Democrats!
Tryst in Minneapolis hotel room turns into $50K robbery for Republican convention delegate
Well, what do you expect to happen when you pick up Chelsea Clinton at a bar at the Republican convention?
(Newsday)

Dr. Detroit
Detroit welcomes a new mayor, a new era
And this one doesn’t have to wear an ankle monitor!
(Detroit Free Press)

Ghost of the Past
Ike uncovers mystery ship in Alabama
I guess hurricanes aren’t totally a negative thing. How did no one find this before now? It couldn’t have been buried that far out for Ike to have uncovered it.
(USA Today)

Go Cook Yourself
Skin Cancer Researchers Oppose Industry Campaign to Portray Tanning Beds as Healthy
What I don’t understand is how people can fall for crap like the tanning industry tries to shove down our throats? If ultraviolet rays are unhealthy when coming from the sun, which is about 93 million miles away, then how is it possible to think that they are not unhealthy when coming from a source that’s about 3 inches away?
(WebMD)

Tiger Bait
John Werner's College Predictions: Auburn tough spot for LSU
Hopefully tomorrow’s outcome will reverse the trend of LSU losing at Auburn. Go Tigers! (the LSU ones, I mean)
(Waco Tribune-Herald)

Slummin’
Diddy and His Private Plane Feel Pain at the Pump
This is a disgrace. Something has to be done. It’s bad enough that Americans are scaling back their vacations, people have to take public transportation more often, the price of everything that is moved by gasoline powered vehicles (read: everything) is going up, but now Diddy has to travel on first class instead of private jet! Somebody let me know where I can donate money to ease this poor man’s pain.
(PopEater)

Water, Water Everywhere

Hurricane Ike came through last weekend and devastated southeast Texas and even caused some havoc in Louisiana. Thanks to Joan, here are some photos of Manchac. Manchac is a small fishing village between New Orleans and Hammond. There is a great seafood restaurant there called Middendorf's that I took Bill to last year when we were visiting. There is really nothing on I-55 on the 30 mile trip between LaPlace and Hammond except Manchac. You're just driving along over water for miles and then all of a sudden there's this little place with the restaurant. The white building is the original restaurant. If you look at the window all the way on the right, that's where we were sitting. Even though it's literally in the middle of nowhere, after a few years they couldn't handle the volume in the restaurant and opened the brown building across the parking lot. So the same restaurant operates in two different buildings less than 100 yards from each other!

The pictures after that are from Texas. Then the final picture is a happy one after all of the devastation. It's of my two favorite football players in the world!

The Original Middendorf's

The new Middendorf's

Photo Smiley N. Pool - AP

Source: Reuters/NASA

Source: STR/AFP: Getty Images

Photo Emmitt Hawks - US Navy

Photo David J. Phillip - AP

Photo Eric Gay - AP

Photo Carlos Barria - Reuters

Photo Kevin M. Cox - AP

Photo L.M. Otero - AP

Photo David J. Phillip - AP

Photo David J. Phillip

Photo David J. Phillip

Photo David J. Phillip

Photo Richard Alan Hannon - AP

Photo Alex Brandon - AP

Photo Smiley N. Pool

Photo Scott Olson

Photo L.M. Otero - AP

Photo Smiley N. Pool - AP

Photo Tony Gutierrez - AP

Photo Mark Wilson

Photo David J. Phillip - AP

Photo Matt Slocum - AP

Photo Tony Gutierrez - AP

Photo David J. Phillip

Photo Matt Slocum - AP

Photo Eric Gay - AP

Photo U.S. Air Force Staff Sgt. James L. Harper, Jr. - Reuters

And, finally, a photo of my two favorite football players in the whole world, my nephews Jacob and Matty!

Photo their Mom Rebecca

What's In My Inbox

I’ve actually gotten this from a number of people, so I almost didn’t post it, but it’s kind of clever so I’ll go ahead and offer it for those who might have missed it. With apologies to David Letterman, here are the:

----------------------------------------

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season Is Like Christmas

Number Ten:
Decorating the house (with plywood).

Number Nine:
Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season.

Number Eight:
Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

Number Seven:
Regular TV shows pre-empted for 'Specials.'

Number Six:
Family coming to stay with you.

Number Five:
Family and friends from out of state calling you.

Number Four:
Buying food you don't normally buy . . . and in large quantities.

Number Three:
Days off from work.

Number Two:
Candles.

And the Number One reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas:
At some point you're probably going to have a tree in your house!

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, But how to dance in the rain.'
And...we might as well laugh!!!!

Always Something There To Remind Me

Bill's nephews Mikey and Matt went to an 80's themed party with their friends recently. I happened to be over there while they were getting ready and, being a child of the 80s myself, was able to offer a few tips. Unfortunately, not all of my advice was followed, most notably my suggestion to Steve that he go home and change into pants that weren't so tight that they made him look like John Travolta's gay cousin. After all, that would be from the 70s! But by and large, I think the kids looked good. These photos were taken with my cell phone camera so the quality's pretty poor.



Isn't She Pretty In Pink?
(Mikey & Taryn)



Parents Just Don't Understand
(Steve, Mikey, Dianne & Matt [with Joey in the background])




Just A Gigolo
(Dianne, Matt & Taryn)



Don't Worry, Be Happy
(Mikey & Steve)




Baby When You Call Me You Can Call Me Al
(Mikey)


The Boys Of Summer
(Mikey, Steve & Matt)



Everybody Wang Chung Tonight
(Steve, Dianne, Mikey, Matt & Taryn)

The Weekly Roundup

Vicious Weather
Hurricane Ike could be 'catastrophe' for Texas
This thing doesn’t look good at all. It’s been a long time since the poor people in Texas have been hit with a major storm, as evidenced by the number of people I saw on the news who live near the coast and are just planning on “riding it out.” Too many apathetic people said that three years ago in New Orleans, and many of them aren’t around to appreciate how foolhardy that was. Good luck to them.
(Reuters)

Remember
President Dedicates Memorial to Attack
My older relatives always told me that no one would ever forget where they were and what they were doing when President Kennedy was shot. I never really understood what they meant by that until the morning of September 11, 2001. Now I understand completely.
(The New York Times)

Profiles in Threat
Rules would bolster FBI’s effort to assess threats
I understand the ACLU’s concern about racial profiling, really I do. But as part of a totality of suspicion, I don’t know that it’s a completely out of bounds thing. This might sound strange, but if everyone is racially profiled equally, doesn’t that constitute equal protection under the constitution? We need to set aside the atrocities of the past and focus on what can help to keep us safe now. Old time lynchings are a thing of the past; they’re not coming back; we’ve moved beyond that; any intelligent person knows this. But if the fact that I am a white man when added to a formula that smart people have developed gives authorities reason to question me, then I can’t have problems with that. As long as I am free to avail myself of the entire justice system, and as long as the justice system works as it is supposed to, then I’m covered.
(Kansas City Star)

Dan Quayle Redux
Palin confused on Social Security, other issues
Maybe it’s all that lead they have in lipstick, but I agree with this columnist that an Alaskan governor running for Vice President ought to be much better versed in how entitlement programs run, particularly the ones that run in her state. And when asked a question of fact, whether she thinks that homosexuality is genetic or learned, she said it’s not her place to “judge” people. I don’t get that at all. I’m starting to have very serious doubts about Governor Palin.
(Chicago Sun Times)

Start With a Bang
Super-smasher targets massive mystery
How cool is this? Scientists have actually come up with a machine that’s going to simulate conditions that led to the creation of the universe. Unless you believe the whole “let there be light” thing. This could lead to an entire new universe of discovery: why and how the galaxies, sun and planets formed the way they did; where moons come from and what they do; what’s the deal with gravity; why do the release of certain chemicals affect the atmosphere. Or it might create black holes that will destroy the planet. Sleep well.
(MSNBC)

Doubt for a Reason?
Troy Anthony Davis' execution stands, Georgia parole board says
I admit I don’t know much about this case, and this article certainly doesn’t go into a whole lot of detail, but I intend to do some research and find out more. But if it can be shown that 7 out of 9 witnesses would give substantively different testimony, or in some cases diametrically opposed testimony, to what they did at the original trial, and police coersion is asserted, then isn’t it possible to think that a jury would reach an entirely different conclusion than they did in 1989? And isn’t that the point of the whole appeals process? I’m not against capital punishment per se, but I believe that we should suspend every currently scheduled execution until the system can be fixed to ensure, to the best of our ability, that no innocent person is ever put to death. For example, I think that any new technology that could potentially offer new information in the case of a condemned person, put into use after that person’s conviction, should be available to the defense between the time of trial and execution. There are tons of advocacy groups that would gladly donate the money to apply these new methods after the fact. And, at the very least, difficult though it may be, we should insist that mind-boggling, complex modern technology like Microsoft Calendar be used to make sure that a Supreme Court appeal is not scheduled to be heard SIX DAYS AFTER the scheduled execution. I mean. Come on. Seriously?
(Los Angeles Times)

You’ve Got Compulsion
Email Addiction: Five Signs You Need Help
I’d write more about this, but I’ve got yahoo, hotmail, gmail, aol, myspace and facebook messages waiting.
(IT World)

Gimme an N! Gimme a U! Gimme a T!
Mom allegedly uses daughter's ID to be cheerleader
Here’s a family that needs Dr. Phil desperately. On second thought, I doubt Dr. Phil would do them much good. This woman probably needs to be in an institution. Can you even imagine going to high school and your mother’s in the popular clique? It would make for awkward cafeteria seating arrangements, that’s for sure.
(Associated Press)

My Turn
Cassel has been a study in patience for the Patriots
On September 23, 2001 an unknown second-year quarterback was thrust into the starting position for the New England Patriots after Drew Bledsoe left the game against the New York Jets due to internal bleeding. Tom Brady didn’t do much that year, unless you count leading his team to and winning the Super Bowl a worthy accomplishment. This weekend, we begin the process of seeing if Matt Cassel can match the success of his mentor. Go Pats!
(The Providence Journal)

Get Outta My Face
Kanye West arrested in airport dustup with paps
You know, if you don’t want whackjobs accosting you in the airport and taking your picture, you can always be a dental hygienist. Or a florist. Or an engineer. Or a bricklayer. Or an administrative assistant. You don’t have to make millions of dollars by screeching bad songs.
(Associated Press)

McCain - FAIL

I’m so sick of politics. Actually, that’s not entirely correct. I’m more sick of politicians than I am of actual politics. And considering that it’s going to be nothing but politics from now until November 4th, this is a bad time to be sick of politicians.

But I am.

And I don’t know why I’m surprised and disappointed.

But I am.

Maybe I’m an idealist, but every election since I’ve begun to vote, I’ve expected and anticipated issues-driven, substantive campaigns. And every election since I’ve begun to vote, I’ve gotten exactly the opposite. Elections in this country, and the presidential election in particular, seem to be much less about who is the most intelligent, the most enlightened, the strongest leader, the greatest visionary. Instead, what you have is a person trying to convince you that the other person or people are not worthy.

The message that I get from candidates in any election can usually be summed up as: “Maybe I suck, BUT THEY SUCK WAY WORSE.”

Is this acceptable to honest, intelligent, hard-working people? Because to me, I got enough of trash talk about people in high school; I really don’t need it anymore. Maybe people revert when they get the national spotlight on the political scene. I don’t know, because I cannot name a single politician in recent memory that has impressed me as anything better than an insincere panderer. Because what these politicians do is say whatever they feel will garner them support among the voters. Truth, research, enlightenment be damned! If they feel that it will cause people to look at their opponents in a negative light, they will say it.

Apathy is our biggest problem. I am always dismayed when I express these feelings to people whom I feel are intelligent, and get the stock response, “well, what do you expect?” with a look of defeat on their faces.

I just want to scream, “Wake up people!” They are talking to US! WE are the ones who have to demand better, and we don’t. Us. Average Americans. The people that are “served” by the politicians. Unfortunately, very few Americans actually care enough about these elections to demand better.

And the ones who do care are the ones who eat this stuff as though it were nectar from the gods.

Did you see and hear the reactions of the delegates at the conventions? Hanging on the every empty word of these people. It doesn’t even seem like they cared what the words actually were, because not a single one of them said anything worth listening to. Their celebrities were talking, and that’s all they cared about. I remember one woman interviewed at the end of Barack Obama’s acceptance speech, and she didn’t talk about the speech at all. All she talked about was how when she was a young woman, she couldn’t even vote because she was a black woman, and now a black man is running for president. She became so emotional she broke down and walked away from the interviewer. I got the impression that Obama could have been proposing a special tax on black women and it wouldn’t have made a single difference to her. It was the same way when Sarah Palin spoke at the Republican convention. People in that audience’s eyes were almost glowing as if they were standing in front of the Pope himself giving a speech. What was especially interesting about that is I’ll bet at least 80% of the people in that audience had never even heard of Sarah Palin until a few days before that speech. I mean, honestly. How many average Americans can even name two past Alaskan governors? And here they are treating her as though she is the Second Coming.

I think a lot of this stems from lack of choices. We have two parties in this country, and I will get into my hatred of the two-party system in a later post. Tonight, I am so angry at the McCain campaign I can’t think of anything else.

I have heard nothing substantive from either of the two major presidential candidates. I’ve heard some ideas, like taxes should be lowered, our troops should come home from war, the economy should be stimulated, change is good, change is bad, whatever. How any of this is to be accomplished remains a mystery. Most of what I’ve heard can only be described as mudslinging.

OK, let’s say for the sake of argument, well what do you expect? They all do it; they’ll all continue to do it; nothing I write or say will make that change, at least for this election. So go ahead, do the smear thing, tell us why Obama sucks, if you’re McCain. Or, if you happen to be Obama, tell us why McCain sucks.

But when you get nit-picky, you lose me.

When you turn obviously viciously nit-picky, you aggravate me.

When you knowingly make unsubstantiated allegations just for the fact that your base of supporters will latch onto it as fact without bothering to check the truthfulness of your allegation, you are scum.

And when you get hypocritical, you completely turn me against you.

Up until now both campaigns have been doing a magnificent, and pretty equal, job of reinforcing my belief that every intelligent person in this country should move to Mexico and live like royalty on $11 a day.

But the McCain campaign has crossed the line. When you’re vicious and mean and twist the truth to suit your purposes, it’s one thing. But my biggest pet peeve is hypocrisy. I think that hypocrites are the ultimate anti-humans. Hate black people? That’s fine. Hate women? Okay. Hate gays? Go for it. Hate Asians, Hispanics, Canadians, New Yorkers, South Africans, Italians, Greeks? Why not?

It’s your right as an American. No one can make you love, or even respect, your fellow man. It doesn’t mean that I agree with you, or even like you. But I respect your beliefs, until you make me believe otherwise. You hate black people? Fine. But walk out of the interview when you find out that your potential boss is a black man; don’t sit there and kiss his ass in the hopes of appearing to be what you are not. The same goes for anyone who harbors hate against any person or group of people, or even all people. Some are what I like to call equal opportunity bigots and hate everyone equally.

That’s probably the most despicable example of hypocrisy, lying when it suits you. Another example of hypocrisy is when you condemn someone for saying something that YOU YOURSELF HAVE SAID. But this is entirely what John McCain’s campaign did today.

When talking about McCain as an agent of change, Obama said, “That's not change. That's just calling the same thing something different. But you know, you can put lipstick on a pig; it's still a pig. You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper and call it change; it's still going to stink.” That the McCain campaign interpreted that statement as an attack on Sarah Palin is absurd. It shows me that the #1 priority of the McCain campaign is to tear down Barack Obama, not to extoll the virtues and ideas of Senator McCain.

Read the story here.

It is often said that, as Americans, what unites us is much greater than what divides us. Let’s start talking about what unites us and how the candidates will enhance that part of America for each of us. Oh, and while I’m pissed off at the Republican ticket tonight, let me state that it’s more divisive than unitive to make rape victims pay for their own rape test kits, Mayor Palin. I’m just saying.

Groan
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

What's In My Inbox

Watch out, Grandma's got a gun!

Cutest.Baby.Ever

Tales of the T

Verbose
So tonight I’m riding the orange line around 9:00 heading home from giving a presentation on small business marketing to a group of Christian entrepreneurs. I’m always nervous when I’m asked to be a guest speaker, because I worry that I won’t have enough to say. As usual, however, I went on for way longer than they wanted me to. They asked me to speak for 30 minutes with another 30 minutes for group discussion; I ended up speaking for about 50 minutes and then did 30 minutes of group discussion. Even though I went way over, I only lost one! One lady who makes calendars had to leave about 10 minutes before we finished. Anyhow, I digress.

Whino
After the presentation I was wiped out and looking forward to a nice, quiet trip home. I got on the orange line at State Street, and I was surprised how many people were on the train at that time of night. I guess more people are taking public transit nowadays because of the high gas prices. Anyhow, I was standing near the back of the car and seated near me were a young 20-something couple and their 2 or so year old daughter. The girl was very manic. She was standing on her daddy’s legs and she was going from bouncing up and down on him laughing and giggling to pouting to whining to screaming back to laughing, all in the space of a minute. This went on for several minutes, with the parents offering encouragement while she was happy and the dad ignoring and the mom voicing frustration while she was whiny and screamy.

Smackdown
Finally, in frustration, the girl slapped her dad, not hard, just kind of a smack. This brought her scolding from both parents and the cycle repeated again, with the slapping becoming a permanent part of it between the screaming and the laughing. Then, during one of the cycles, she smacked a guy standing on the train next to them. I was prepared for fisticuffs to ensue, but it became immediately apparent that the guy was with them, either a friend or brother of the dad. He tickled the girl and then said something about her dad teaching her bad things, then he proceeded to play slap the dad! Then the dad play slapped the friend and they went back and forth for a minute laughing and joking, and the mom joined right in!

Not As I Do
I know these kids were young, and this is most likely their first, and right now only, child, but can’t they understand the cause/effect of their behavior? How are they supposed to tell their daughter that it’s not okay to hit, even in jest, when they are doing it right in front of her? I hope that these parents wake up and learn the “lead by example” lesson before the girl gets big enough to do some real damage.

Etc
Summer's in full swing in Stoneham. The pool's open, feels great, and I'm remembering why I like summer (sometimes).

The web site project is up and running. Now to get people signed up for it...

I have this recurring dream where I wake up and Jesse Jackson is standing over me with a carving knife. That's not weird, is it?

Groan (tonight's is particularly relevant with the presidential campaign in full swing)
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

What's In My Inbox

You've probably gotten these "warning" type e-mails before: don't flash your lights at cars that don't have their headlights on because they might be gang members and kill you; don't stop your car to check out a flyer stuck to your back window because it might be a carjacker; don't pull over for an unmarked cop car flashing blue lights; don't accept any wooden nickels; don't leave your house on any night with a full moon when it's foggy and at least two American league leaders are playing under-.500 National league teams; don't fear the reaper; etc.

And thanks to my good friend James Everett McPherson III (aka "Flea") we now have reason to fear Home Depot. Well, maybe "fear" isn't the right word. Read on...

---------------------------------------------

Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your stuff into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead they ask you for a ride to Lowe's. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. WalMart has wallets on sale, $2.99 each.

-----------------------------------------------

Thanks for the "warning" Flea! Anyone need some molding or a new leaf blower??

Oh Captain, My Captain

I don't really have anything interesting to post today, so here is a picture of a baby driving a sailboat, courtesy of Brian Jones. Enjoy!

The Weekly Roundup

Unity in Unity
Party Unity in NH, as Clinton Talks and Obama Says "She Rocks"
Did he say she sucks? No, he meant she ROCKS. Yeah, that’s what he said. She just doesn’t rock enough to be vice president. At least she better not.
(Washington Post)

Maybe Ken Is Right
Salmonella Tomato Outbreak Biggest Ever
My friend Ken won’t eat red food and has a particular distaste for tomatoes in any form. And his beautiful wife, Bette, is a great Italian cook! He actually will eat marinara but not ketchup or any other type of tomato based food product. Does this mean that Ken is now the safest person in the country, at least when it comes to food poisoning?
(WebMD)

Good Use of Tax Dollars
Scientist Is Paid Millions by U.S. in Anthrax Suit
First the FBI wastes millions of dollars to investigate this man whose only suspicious behavior, as far as I can tell, is that some in the media speculated that he might be involved. Now, we get to pay out millions more to settle a lawsuit by this guy. Once again, taxpayers get screwed on the front end and the back end. Neither is as appealing as it sounds.
(New York Times)

A Little Sex
Judge orders TMZ to remove sex tape of actor Verne Troyer
“Mini Me” got carried away with his ex and decided to make a sex tape. Either this is a publicity stunt or Mr. Troyer is a moron. Doesn’t he know that EVERYBODY’s sex tape eventually ends up on TMZ?
(Los Angeles Times)

Shooting Down Gun Restrictions
NRA sues San Francisco over guns in public housing
Wow, the NRA wastes no time, do they? This is good news, because just the other day I was thinking that what our housing projects need more of is handguns.
(San Francisco Chronicle)

Muskrat Love
Burrowing muskrat causes levee to fail in Missouri
Another shining success by our beloved Army Corps of Engineers! You gotta love Linda Wilmesherr’s quote in the third paragraph. I guess the NRA didn’t work fast enough for poor Linda.
(The Associated Press)

Despicable
Millionaire gets 40 months for enslaving maids
The Golden Rule clearly doesn’t apply in the Sabhnani household.
(CNN)

Hey Little Girl, Want Some Budweiser?
Study: Many Underage Drinkers Get Free Alcohol From Adults
When I was a kid, my dad and uncles had this little game going where nephews and nieces were always offered beers, but sons and daughters weren’t. For example, when the party was at our house, my dad wouldn’t let my teenage brothers and sister drink, but he’d offer my teenage cousins beers, and the situation would be reversed when the party was at my uncles’ houses. I always thought it was funny. My Uncle Johnny first offered me a beer when I was like 14. My dad had a fit.
(ABC News)

Same Old Song And Dance
Steven Tyler Says He Needed to Kick Pain and Sleep Drugs
Let’s hope it takes this time.
(People)

Pathetic
Bride-to-Be Takes a Chance on eBay for a Bidding Bridesmaid
This sounds like a story more suited for The National Enquirer than the New York Times, but there it is. Some loser is paying $5,700 to stand in some strangers’ wedding. How pathetic do you have to be to bid on something like that? Probably at least as pathetic as people who auction off a spot in their wedding party to the entire world. Kelly Gray is the bride-to-be. “I know some people out there are crazy,” Ms. Gray said. “We just want anybody who is willing to have fun. We’re fun, and we’re hoping someone won’t come in and ruin it for us.” I don’t know, but if I spent almost 6 grand to stand in some loser’s wedding plus had to pay the travel expenses and all that, I’d have a strong urge to start a naked conga line at the reception. Or even possibly during the ceremony. Good luck to Ms. Gray and her (has to be) embarrassed groom-to-be.
(New York Times)

George W. Bush Stimulates Me

Got my notification today. I owe the US government $600 less than I would have normally. Since I’m employed on contract, and pay my taxes directly to the government, I don’t actually get a check, but a “credit” that will be applied to my second quarter payment. Whatever. I guess it all comes out in the wash, but it’s a lot easier to spend money that you’re given, not that you don’t have to pay.

See, that’s the whole point of this advance rebate: to stimulate the economy. So, I hope that you’re not thinking about doing something foolish with your rebate, like paying credit card bills or beefing up your 401(k). No, no, no. This thing is only going to work if we all go out and spend the entire amount on frivolous items. It’s what real Americans are going to do.

In The West Wing episode “Stirred,” Charlie gets upset that his tax refund is several hundred dollars less than he is expecting. When Leo explains that the rebate he got the previous year had to be paid for, he correctly labels it as an advance, not a rebate. Leo scolds him, saying, “That doesn’t sound like very patriotic talk to me, Charlie,” to which Charlie replies, “It’s not!” Leo asks Charlie what he did with his “rebate” check.

Charlie: I paid down my Visa bill.
Leo: We’d have preferred you ate in a restaurant or traveled.
Charlie: Me, too.
[Bartlet walks in]
Leo: He used the rebate to pay his Visa bill.
Bartlet (to Charlie): A trip to Banana Republic would have killed you?

Later, Charlie asks Bartlet if the plan to stimulate the economy worked.

Bartlet (sighing): No, most people did what you did, put it in the bank or paid down debt.
Charlie: We don’t want people to save, or reduce their personal debt?
Bartlet: We do, but when the next guy’s president.
Charlie: Why not just wait until people were supposed to get the money?
Bartlet: The economy might have improved on its own by then.
Charlie: Which would have made the whole thing pointless to begin with.
Bartlet: Yep.
Charlie: Economists just kind of make it up as they go along, don’t they?
Bartlet: Yep.

So it turns out the whole thing was a political ploy to spend your money to give back money that you were entitled to anyway, several months before you were entitled to it, in order to take credit for an improving economy that probably would have improved without government interference anyway.

Is life imitating art here? We’ll see. If McCain declares the stimulus program a success and Obama a failure, we’ll have our answer.

Etc.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Denis Patrick Carlin, 1937-2008
Thanks for the laughter, and the absurdity.
RIP

Groan
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

A Fun Time

I keep waiting to post the pictures of the Third Annual Yankee Boil until I have time to write about it, but doesn't seem like that's happening anytime soon, so here are the photos. I'm not going to bother explaining who any of these people are or we'll be here all night. I'm sure I'll write about most of these people sooner or later and you can come back and reference. Haha.

Anyhow, without further ado, I give you the photos from the Third Annual Yankee Boil held May 24th, 2008 at our house in Stoneham, MA. These yankees love their crawfish! The photos are in no order except how they came out as I was uploading them.



Taylor & Steve


The birthday photo (every year, we have a cake and get a photo of all the people who have birthdays in May).


Taylor as The Thinker (Taylor was drunk and being a little silly. We like Taylor).


Mikey messing with Dev. Dev wasn't feeling well. I wonder if the hurricanes, cyclones, hand grenades and tropical itches had anything to do with that. Hmmmmm


Rubbing the drunk's head for good luck


This girl won the junior miss massachusetts title the next day. That head rubbing really works!


Bill showing some newbies how to enjoy the crawfish


Steve & Keith


The obligatory crawfish boil table shot



Mikey & Taryn (I think this is a cute picture)


Nancy & Bob


Nicky, Dianne & Maria


Eatin' good in the neighborhood!


A fun group posing with their commemorative t-shirts. Bill did a good job on the t's.


Kattttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!


Kay & Dave


Matt & Robbie and some of their pals


I guess I surprised Matt with this picture


Michael (this kid worked his butt off helping us get ready)

Yes, we grill, too, and Mike is the Grillmaestro!

Harvey & Binnie with Bub

As the daylight winds down, the karaoke begins!

Which one's Hall and which one's Oates?

I will explain who Roxanne is cuz this is funny. Our next door neighbors Donald and Ilene (I've written about them before, in the Halloween post, Joey is their 4-year-old son) had their son Josh's first birthday party the same day and time as the boil. Josh is the baby boy that Lisa's holding in the birthday photo. So we were all kind of going back and forth between the two parties most of the afternoon. Roxanne is the girlfriend or fiancee of Ilene's brother, and they were spending the night at Don and Ilene's. When our party began to devolve into a karaokefest, Roxanne heard us and came running over in her pajama bottoms declaring her love for karaoke. So she and Bob did several duets for our entertainment. Between the karaoke and messing with the passed out Devon, we were having fun late into the night!

Bub The Chefmizzer (the most popular guy at the party)

Deana & Evan

Taryn's delicious crawfish cake!

Matt with his parents, Di and Mike

Lots and lots to eat!

It was a fun party, most everybody that said they were coming came, and we are eagerly looking forward to next year. And I'm sure we'll do it again; even though it's always been hell trying to get the crawfish up here, and this year was no exception (put it this way, Bub and I were at Continental Air Cargo at 11:30 the night before picking them up), it's always a lot of fun and people love it and they eat and eat and eat. That's all the validation I need!

What's In My Inbox

Good evening. We all get stuff over e-mail that is worth sharing. For my money, 99% of the jokes, political messages, religious messages, friendship ditties, and that stupid thing where Bill Gates is going to pay me like a hundred million dollars for clicking on a link are pretty benign. Rarely, however, something clever catches my eye. I can never be sure that the people who supposedly wrote these actually wrote these or how many edits they go through before they get to me, so I can’t warranty that any of this is true, so I hereby release myself from all responsibility for anything that may or may not happen to you ever in your life. Your further reading of my blog, indifferent to the fact that you may or may not have read this particular entry, indicates your acceptance of these terms. There, that should cover it.

What I can promise you, however, is that I will post e-mails that I receive exactly as they are sent to me. I will not edit the text of any e-mail before posting it on this blog. That I can assure you. I may feel the urge to comment within the text of the e-mail. If I add comments, I will add them in different color text and notify you in the post.

And it won’t just be the forwarded generic things that I will post. From time to time I might post an especially funny, moving, or insightful personal message. If I do that, I will not identify the author without first notifying him or her. So be forewarned if you decide to send me e-mail, that your e-mail might end up being read by a worldwide audience of four or five!

For our first installment of WIMI, I’ve chosen a new take on these “look what kids wrote” kind of things. I’ve never seen this one before. If you have, oh well. I apologize. Just go on to the next thing you have to do. I never promised original entries every time. Who am I, William Safire?

But I digress. Some of these are pretty clever. I particularly enjoyed Kelvin’s answer, the last one. Enjoy!

PS OK I just realized that Bill Gates actually could give me several million dollars just for clicking on a link and it would be to him as it is to me when a quarter falls through a spot in my car and I don’t even bother to go after it. Now I’m irritated.

Anyhow, enjoy the post:

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.- Martin, age 10 (very perceptive!)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Ricky, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Kelvin, age 10

The Weekly Roundup

Super Duper
Obama steams toward Democratic nomination as Clinton's bid falters
How does one get appointed a “superdelegate?” And why the hell hold primaries that don’t count? What is going on with the Democratic party?
(International Herald Tribune)

Causing A Stink
Body of woman, 90, found on toilet in inhabited Wis. Home
In Kansas, a live woman sat on a toilet for two years. In Wisconsin, it seems like they don’t remove them even after they’re dead. Totally creepy.
(Associated Press)

Shady Dealings
Calls mount for Olmert's resignation
Political corruption goes on even in the Holy Land, it would appear. Boy, those Palestinians will use any reason to stall the peace process, won’t they? A year? Give me a break.
(Washington Post)

All In The Family
Fritzl recalls start of incest family
"Ever since she entered puberty she did not adhere to any rules any more, she would spend whole nights in dingy bars, drinking alcohol and smoking," he said. By that logic, pretty much every teenager I know would be held captive in their basements and forced to have sex with their fathers.
(United Press International)

Delivering For Less
FedEx cuts profit forecast on fuel costs
It really is only the Arabian sheiks and big oil companies who get fat while the rest of us decide between eating and filling up our tanks.
(Reuters)

Stoned Pits
DMX Busted at Home for Pot, Pit Bulls
You mean DMX smokes weed and neglects his dogs? Who would have believed something so outrageous? Say hello to Michael Vick for me.
(E! Online)

Pasta, Tequila, Chicken Pie, Mop and a Little Cocky Bastard

The reason our new mop doesn’t fit the bucket is, it was Cinco de Mayo.

We’ve got the third annual yankee boil coming up here in a few weeks, and we’re doing some work sprucing up downstairs and the backyard. Monday we ended up going to Home Depot and Linens & Things looking for shelf units for the downstairs bathroom and some brackets for the outdoor staircase handrail. By the time we were done we realized that it was close to 7:00 and we were hungry, so we ate at the Macaroni Grill right there by Linens & Things.

Monday, of course, was Cinco de Mayo, and I realized that as we were sitting down to our Italian feast at the Macaroni. Luckily, the bar makes some decent margaritas so I celebrated with a couple of them, ate my chicken with vodka cream sauce, paid the bill with my Visa card, and headed home.

Tuesday I realize I’d better go ahead and order Mom’s flowers for Sunday to make sure they get there on time. I go to flowers.com or whatever the site is and when I go to pay, I pull out my debit Mastercard. I was surprised that my Visa wasn’t right behind it like it usually is. I complete the transaction and look through my wallet. The Visa is nowhere in sight.

So I started thinking when was the last time I used it, and I remembered the Macaroni Grill the night before. I called them and, sure enough, they had it. When Bill got home, I mentioned that I was going back to the Grill to pick up my card and that I would pick us up a Harrow’s chicken pie for dinner on the way home.

Off I went. The chicken pie place is between the house and the Macaroni Grill, and I was almost there when the phone rang with Mikey’s (Bill’s nephew) number on it. Instead of Mikey, however, it was Michael, his dad (Bill’s brother), telling me to turn around and go pick Bill up. Apparently Bill left his phone at his store and couldn’t remember my cell phone number, so he called his brother who got my number off of Mikey’s phone. Rolling my eyes, I proceeded to get the chicken pie (they close early) and went all the way back to the house to pick up Bill.

Bill stated that the reason he changed his mind about coming with me is that he decided to get the shelf unit we were looking at the day before. We grabbed the card from Macaroni Grill and then headed over to Home Depot to get the shelf unit. When we walked in we saw the mops and Bill remembered that I was complaining about our mop so he suggested we get a new one. We got a nice one, too, so nice that it’s too big for our bucket. So now we need to get a new bucket. I think it’s a Home Depot conspiracy.

So, had it not been Cinco de Mayo, I might not have had the margaritas and not been so silly as to leave my Visa card behind, and we wouldn’t have gone back to Home Depot on Tuesday, and wouldn’t have bought a mop on impulse, and maybe would have measured the bucket before we went to purchase the mop. But I doubt it.




Way To Go, Matto!
Bill’s nephew Matt got a four-page story in the UMass Boston school paper. Check out the link below. Matty’s new nickname is “Face.” He loves it. He’s really doing great as you can find out by reading the article. By the way, in case you’re curious like I was, I asked him why his high school coach didn’t like him at first and he replied, “Because I was a little cocky bastard.” My next question was how was then any different from now, then I observed, “oh yeah, you’re not little anymore.” Fortunately, this was a phone conversation so I didn’t get punched. Yet.

Face of the Franchise

In all seriousness, though, Matt’s understated quotes in the article are not muted in any way. The big cocky bastard seems to prefer to let his performance on the field do his speaking for him these days. After his second or third meet this year, I asked him how he did, and he replied, “Alright” in a “whatever” kind of voice. Then the next day I read that he was named Rookie of the Week for his conference because of his stellar performance in that week’s meet. I guess when you got it, you don’t need to flaunt it, it flaunts itself for you.

Keep it up, Face. We’re rooting for ya!