Sunday, June 29, 2008
Oh Captain, My Captain
I don't really have anything interesting to post today, so here is a picture of a baby driving a sailboat, courtesy of Brian Jones. Enjoy!
Friday, June 27, 2008
The Weekly Roundup
Unity in Unity
Party Unity in NH, as Clinton Talks and Obama Says "She Rocks"
Did he say she sucks? No, he meant she ROCKS. Yeah, that’s what he said. She just doesn’t rock enough to be vice president. At least she better not.
(Washington Post)
Maybe Ken Is Right
Salmonella Tomato Outbreak Biggest Ever
My friend Ken won’t eat red food and has a particular distaste for tomatoes in any form. And his beautiful wife, Bette, is a great Italian cook! He actually will eat marinara but not ketchup or any other type of tomato based food product. Does this mean that Ken is now the safest person in the country, at least when it comes to food poisoning?
(WebMD)
Good Use of Tax Dollars
Scientist Is Paid Millions by U.S. in Anthrax Suit
First the FBI wastes millions of dollars to investigate this man whose only suspicious behavior, as far as I can tell, is that some in the media speculated that he might be involved. Now, we get to pay out millions more to settle a lawsuit by this guy. Once again, taxpayers get screwed on the front end and the back end. Neither is as appealing as it sounds.
(New York Times)
A Little Sex
Judge orders TMZ to remove sex tape of actor Verne Troyer
“Mini Me” got carried away with his ex and decided to make a sex tape. Either this is a publicity stunt or Mr. Troyer is a moron. Doesn’t he know that EVERYBODY’s sex tape eventually ends up on TMZ?
(Los Angeles Times)
Shooting Down Gun Restrictions
NRA sues San Francisco over guns in public housing
Wow, the NRA wastes no time, do they? This is good news, because just the other day I was thinking that what our housing projects need more of is handguns.
(San Francisco Chronicle)
Muskrat Love
Burrowing muskrat causes levee to fail in Missouri
Another shining success by our beloved Army Corps of Engineers! You gotta love Linda Wilmesherr’s quote in the third paragraph. I guess the NRA didn’t work fast enough for poor Linda.
(The Associated Press)
Despicable
Millionaire gets 40 months for enslaving maids
The Golden Rule clearly doesn’t apply in the Sabhnani household.
(CNN)
Hey Little Girl, Want Some Budweiser?
Study: Many Underage Drinkers Get Free Alcohol From Adults
When I was a kid, my dad and uncles had this little game going where nephews and nieces were always offered beers, but sons and daughters weren’t. For example, when the party was at our house, my dad wouldn’t let my teenage brothers and sister drink, but he’d offer my teenage cousins beers, and the situation would be reversed when the party was at my uncles’ houses. I always thought it was funny. My Uncle Johnny first offered me a beer when I was like 14. My dad had a fit.
(ABC News)
Same Old Song And Dance
Steven Tyler Says He Needed to Kick Pain and Sleep Drugs
Let’s hope it takes this time.
(People)
Pathetic
Bride-to-Be Takes a Chance on eBay for a Bidding Bridesmaid
This sounds like a story more suited for The National Enquirer than the New York Times, but there it is. Some loser is paying $5,700 to stand in some strangers’ wedding. How pathetic do you have to be to bid on something like that? Probably at least as pathetic as people who auction off a spot in their wedding party to the entire world. Kelly Gray is the bride-to-be. “I know some people out there are crazy,” Ms. Gray said. “We just want anybody who is willing to have fun. We’re fun, and we’re hoping someone won’t come in and ruin it for us.” I don’t know, but if I spent almost 6 grand to stand in some loser’s wedding plus had to pay the travel expenses and all that, I’d have a strong urge to start a naked conga line at the reception. Or even possibly during the ceremony. Good luck to Ms. Gray and her (has to be) embarrassed groom-to-be.
(New York Times)
Party Unity in NH, as Clinton Talks and Obama Says "She Rocks"
Did he say she sucks? No, he meant she ROCKS. Yeah, that’s what he said. She just doesn’t rock enough to be vice president. At least she better not.
(Washington Post)
Maybe Ken Is Right
Salmonella Tomato Outbreak Biggest Ever
My friend Ken won’t eat red food and has a particular distaste for tomatoes in any form. And his beautiful wife, Bette, is a great Italian cook! He actually will eat marinara but not ketchup or any other type of tomato based food product. Does this mean that Ken is now the safest person in the country, at least when it comes to food poisoning?
(WebMD)
Good Use of Tax Dollars
Scientist Is Paid Millions by U.S. in Anthrax Suit
First the FBI wastes millions of dollars to investigate this man whose only suspicious behavior, as far as I can tell, is that some in the media speculated that he might be involved. Now, we get to pay out millions more to settle a lawsuit by this guy. Once again, taxpayers get screwed on the front end and the back end. Neither is as appealing as it sounds.
(New York Times)
A Little Sex
Judge orders TMZ to remove sex tape of actor Verne Troyer
“Mini Me” got carried away with his ex and decided to make a sex tape. Either this is a publicity stunt or Mr. Troyer is a moron. Doesn’t he know that EVERYBODY’s sex tape eventually ends up on TMZ?
(Los Angeles Times)
Shooting Down Gun Restrictions
NRA sues San Francisco over guns in public housing
Wow, the NRA wastes no time, do they? This is good news, because just the other day I was thinking that what our housing projects need more of is handguns.
(San Francisco Chronicle)
Muskrat Love
Burrowing muskrat causes levee to fail in Missouri
Another shining success by our beloved Army Corps of Engineers! You gotta love Linda Wilmesherr’s quote in the third paragraph. I guess the NRA didn’t work fast enough for poor Linda.
(The Associated Press)
Despicable
Millionaire gets 40 months for enslaving maids
The Golden Rule clearly doesn’t apply in the Sabhnani household.
(CNN)
Hey Little Girl, Want Some Budweiser?
Study: Many Underage Drinkers Get Free Alcohol From Adults
When I was a kid, my dad and uncles had this little game going where nephews and nieces were always offered beers, but sons and daughters weren’t. For example, when the party was at our house, my dad wouldn’t let my teenage brothers and sister drink, but he’d offer my teenage cousins beers, and the situation would be reversed when the party was at my uncles’ houses. I always thought it was funny. My Uncle Johnny first offered me a beer when I was like 14. My dad had a fit.
(ABC News)
Same Old Song And Dance
Steven Tyler Says He Needed to Kick Pain and Sleep Drugs
Let’s hope it takes this time.
(People)
Pathetic
Bride-to-Be Takes a Chance on eBay for a Bidding Bridesmaid
This sounds like a story more suited for The National Enquirer than the New York Times, but there it is. Some loser is paying $5,700 to stand in some strangers’ wedding. How pathetic do you have to be to bid on something like that? Probably at least as pathetic as people who auction off a spot in their wedding party to the entire world. Kelly Gray is the bride-to-be. “I know some people out there are crazy,” Ms. Gray said. “We just want anybody who is willing to have fun. We’re fun, and we’re hoping someone won’t come in and ruin it for us.” I don’t know, but if I spent almost 6 grand to stand in some loser’s wedding plus had to pay the travel expenses and all that, I’d have a strong urge to start a naked conga line at the reception. Or even possibly during the ceremony. Good luck to Ms. Gray and her (has to be) embarrassed groom-to-be.
(New York Times)
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
George W. Bush Stimulates Me
Got my notification today. I owe the US government $600 less than I would have normally. Since I’m employed on contract, and pay my taxes directly to the government, I don’t actually get a check, but a “credit” that will be applied to my second quarter payment. Whatever. I guess it all comes out in the wash, but it’s a lot easier to spend money that you’re given, not that you don’t have to pay.
See, that’s the whole point of this advance rebate: to stimulate the economy. So, I hope that you’re not thinking about doing something foolish with your rebate, like paying credit card bills or beefing up your 401(k). No, no, no. This thing is only going to work if we all go out and spend the entire amount on frivolous items. It’s what real Americans are going to do.
In The West Wing episode “Stirred,” Charlie gets upset that his tax refund is several hundred dollars less than he is expecting. When Leo explains that the rebate he got the previous year had to be paid for, he correctly labels it as an advance, not a rebate. Leo scolds him, saying, “That doesn’t sound like very patriotic talk to me, Charlie,” to which Charlie replies, “It’s not!” Leo asks Charlie what he did with his “rebate” check.
Charlie: I paid down my Visa bill.
Leo: We’d have preferred you ate in a restaurant or traveled.
Charlie: Me, too.
[Bartlet walks in]
Leo: He used the rebate to pay his Visa bill.
Bartlet (to Charlie): A trip to Banana Republic would have killed you?
Later, Charlie asks Bartlet if the plan to stimulate the economy worked.
Bartlet (sighing): No, most people did what you did, put it in the bank or paid down debt.
Charlie: We don’t want people to save, or reduce their personal debt?
Bartlet: We do, but when the next guy’s president.
Charlie: Why not just wait until people were supposed to get the money?
Bartlet: The economy might have improved on its own by then.
Charlie: Which would have made the whole thing pointless to begin with.
Bartlet: Yep.
Charlie: Economists just kind of make it up as they go along, don’t they?
Bartlet: Yep.
So it turns out the whole thing was a political ploy to spend your money to give back money that you were entitled to anyway, several months before you were entitled to it, in order to take credit for an improving economy that probably would have improved without government interference anyway.
Is life imitating art here? We’ll see. If McCain declares the stimulus program a success and Obama a failure, we’ll have our answer.
Etc.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Denis Patrick Carlin, 1937-2008
Thanks for the laughter, and the absurdity.
RIP
Groan
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
See, that’s the whole point of this advance rebate: to stimulate the economy. So, I hope that you’re not thinking about doing something foolish with your rebate, like paying credit card bills or beefing up your 401(k). No, no, no. This thing is only going to work if we all go out and spend the entire amount on frivolous items. It’s what real Americans are going to do.
In The West Wing episode “Stirred,” Charlie gets upset that his tax refund is several hundred dollars less than he is expecting. When Leo explains that the rebate he got the previous year had to be paid for, he correctly labels it as an advance, not a rebate. Leo scolds him, saying, “That doesn’t sound like very patriotic talk to me, Charlie,” to which Charlie replies, “It’s not!” Leo asks Charlie what he did with his “rebate” check.
Charlie: I paid down my Visa bill.
Leo: We’d have preferred you ate in a restaurant or traveled.
Charlie: Me, too.
[Bartlet walks in]
Leo: He used the rebate to pay his Visa bill.
Bartlet (to Charlie): A trip to Banana Republic would have killed you?
Later, Charlie asks Bartlet if the plan to stimulate the economy worked.
Bartlet (sighing): No, most people did what you did, put it in the bank or paid down debt.
Charlie: We don’t want people to save, or reduce their personal debt?
Bartlet: We do, but when the next guy’s president.
Charlie: Why not just wait until people were supposed to get the money?
Bartlet: The economy might have improved on its own by then.
Charlie: Which would have made the whole thing pointless to begin with.
Bartlet: Yep.
Charlie: Economists just kind of make it up as they go along, don’t they?
Bartlet: Yep.
So it turns out the whole thing was a political ploy to spend your money to give back money that you were entitled to anyway, several months before you were entitled to it, in order to take credit for an improving economy that probably would have improved without government interference anyway.
Is life imitating art here? We’ll see. If McCain declares the stimulus program a success and Obama a failure, we’ll have our answer.
Etc.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Denis Patrick Carlin, 1937-2008
Thanks for the laughter, and the absurdity.
RIP
Groan
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Friday, June 6, 2008
A Fun Time
I keep waiting to post the pictures of the Third Annual Yankee Boil until I have time to write about it, but doesn't seem like that's happening anytime soon, so here are the photos. I'm not going to bother explaining who any of these people are or we'll be here all night. I'm sure I'll write about most of these people sooner or later and you can come back and reference. Haha.
Anyhow, without further ado, I give you the photos from the Third Annual Yankee Boil held May 24th, 2008 at our house in Stoneham, MA. These yankees love their crawfish! The photos are in no order except how they came out as I was uploading them.
Taylor & Steve
The birthday photo (every year, we have a cake and get a photo of all the people who have birthdays in May).
Taylor as The Thinker (Taylor was drunk and being a little silly. We like Taylor).
Mikey messing with Dev. Dev wasn't feeling well. I wonder if the hurricanes, cyclones, hand grenades and tropical itches had anything to do with that. Hmmmmm
Rubbing the drunk's head for good luck
This girl won the junior miss massachusetts title the next day. That head rubbing really works!
Bill showing some newbies how to enjoy the crawfish
Steve & Keith
The obligatory crawfish boil table shot
Mikey & Taryn (I think this is a cute picture)
Nancy & Bob
Nicky, Dianne & Maria
Eatin' good in the neighborhood!
A fun group posing with their commemorative t-shirts. Bill did a good job on the t's.
Kattttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Kay & Dave
Matt & Robbie and some of their pals
I guess I surprised Matt with this picture
Michael (this kid worked his butt off helping us get ready)
Anyhow, without further ado, I give you the photos from the Third Annual Yankee Boil held May 24th, 2008 at our house in Stoneham, MA. These yankees love their crawfish! The photos are in no order except how they came out as I was uploading them.
Taylor & Steve
The birthday photo (every year, we have a cake and get a photo of all the people who have birthdays in May).
Taylor as The Thinker (Taylor was drunk and being a little silly. We like Taylor).
Mikey messing with Dev. Dev wasn't feeling well. I wonder if the hurricanes, cyclones, hand grenades and tropical itches had anything to do with that. Hmmmmm
Rubbing the drunk's head for good luck
This girl won the junior miss massachusetts title the next day. That head rubbing really works!
Bill showing some newbies how to enjoy the crawfish
Steve & Keith
The obligatory crawfish boil table shot
Mikey & Taryn (I think this is a cute picture)
Nancy & Bob
Nicky, Dianne & Maria
Eatin' good in the neighborhood!
A fun group posing with their commemorative t-shirts. Bill did a good job on the t's.
Kattttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Kay & Dave
Matt & Robbie and some of their pals
I guess I surprised Matt with this picture
Michael (this kid worked his butt off helping us get ready)
Yes, we grill, too, and Mike is the Grillmaestro!
Harvey & Binnie with Bub
As the daylight winds down, the karaoke begins!
Which one's Hall and which one's Oates?
I will explain who Roxanne is cuz this is funny. Our next door neighbors Donald and Ilene (I've written about them before, in the Halloween post, Joey is their 4-year-old son) had their son Josh's first birthday party the same day and time as the boil. Josh is the baby boy that Lisa's holding in the birthday photo. So we were all kind of going back and forth between the two parties most of the afternoon. Roxanne is the girlfriend or fiancee of Ilene's brother, and they were spending the night at Don and Ilene's. When our party began to devolve into a karaokefest, Roxanne heard us and came running over in her pajama bottoms declaring her love for karaoke. So she and Bob did several duets for our entertainment. Between the karaoke and messing with the passed out Devon, we were having fun late into the night!
Bub The Chefmizzer (the most popular guy at the party)
Deana & Evan
Taryn's delicious crawfish cake!
Matt with his parents, Di and Mike
Lots and lots to eat!
It was a fun party, most everybody that said they were coming came, and we are eagerly looking forward to next year. And I'm sure we'll do it again; even though it's always been hell trying to get the crawfish up here, and this year was no exception (put it this way, Bub and I were at Continental Air Cargo at 11:30 the night before picking them up), it's always a lot of fun and people love it and they eat and eat and eat. That's all the validation I need!
Monday, May 12, 2008
What's In My Inbox
Good evening. We all get stuff over e-mail that is worth sharing. For my money, 99% of the jokes, political messages, religious messages, friendship ditties, and that stupid thing where Bill Gates is going to pay me like a hundred million dollars for clicking on a link are pretty benign. Rarely, however, something clever catches my eye. I can never be sure that the people who supposedly wrote these actually wrote these or how many edits they go through before they get to me, so I can’t warranty that any of this is true, so I hereby release myself from all responsibility for anything that may or may not happen to you ever in your life. Your further reading of my blog, indifferent to the fact that you may or may not have read this particular entry, indicates your acceptance of these terms. There, that should cover it.
What I can promise you, however, is that I will post e-mails that I receive exactly as they are sent to me. I will not edit the text of any e-mail before posting it on this blog. That I can assure you. I may feel the urge to comment within the text of the e-mail. If I add comments, I will add them in different color text and notify you in the post.
And it won’t just be the forwarded generic things that I will post. From time to time I might post an especially funny, moving, or insightful personal message. If I do that, I will not identify the author without first notifying him or her. So be forewarned if you decide to send me e-mail, that your e-mail might end up being read by a worldwide audience of four or five!
For our first installment of WIMI, I’ve chosen a new take on these “look what kids wrote” kind of things. I’ve never seen this one before. If you have, oh well. I apologize. Just go on to the next thing you have to do. I never promised original entries every time. Who am I, William Safire?
But I digress. Some of these are pretty clever. I particularly enjoyed Kelvin’s answer, the last one. Enjoy!
PS OK I just realized that Bill Gates actually could give me several million dollars just for clicking on a link and it would be to him as it is to me when a quarter falls through a spot in my car and I don’t even bother to go after it. Now I’m irritated.
Anyhow, enjoy the post:
-----
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.- Martin, age 10 (very perceptive!)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Ricky, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Kelvin, age 10
What I can promise you, however, is that I will post e-mails that I receive exactly as they are sent to me. I will not edit the text of any e-mail before posting it on this blog. That I can assure you. I may feel the urge to comment within the text of the e-mail. If I add comments, I will add them in different color text and notify you in the post.
And it won’t just be the forwarded generic things that I will post. From time to time I might post an especially funny, moving, or insightful personal message. If I do that, I will not identify the author without first notifying him or her. So be forewarned if you decide to send me e-mail, that your e-mail might end up being read by a worldwide audience of four or five!
For our first installment of WIMI, I’ve chosen a new take on these “look what kids wrote” kind of things. I’ve never seen this one before. If you have, oh well. I apologize. Just go on to the next thing you have to do. I never promised original entries every time. Who am I, William Safire?
But I digress. Some of these are pretty clever. I particularly enjoyed Kelvin’s answer, the last one. Enjoy!
PS OK I just realized that Bill Gates actually could give me several million dollars just for clicking on a link and it would be to him as it is to me when a quarter falls through a spot in my car and I don’t even bother to go after it. Now I’m irritated.
Anyhow, enjoy the post:
-----
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.- Martin, age 10 (very perceptive!)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Ricky, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Kelvin, age 10
Friday, May 9, 2008
The Weekly Roundup
Super Duper
Obama steams toward Democratic nomination as Clinton's bid falters
How does one get appointed a “superdelegate?” And why the hell hold primaries that don’t count? What is going on with the Democratic party?
(International Herald Tribune)
Causing A Stink
Body of woman, 90, found on toilet in inhabited Wis. Home
In Kansas, a live woman sat on a toilet for two years. In Wisconsin, it seems like they don’t remove them even after they’re dead. Totally creepy.
(Associated Press)
Shady Dealings
Calls mount for Olmert's resignation
Political corruption goes on even in the Holy Land, it would appear. Boy, those Palestinians will use any reason to stall the peace process, won’t they? A year? Give me a break.
(Washington Post)
All In The Family
Fritzl recalls start of incest family
"Ever since she entered puberty she did not adhere to any rules any more, she would spend whole nights in dingy bars, drinking alcohol and smoking," he said. By that logic, pretty much every teenager I know would be held captive in their basements and forced to have sex with their fathers.
(United Press International)
Delivering For Less
FedEx cuts profit forecast on fuel costs
It really is only the Arabian sheiks and big oil companies who get fat while the rest of us decide between eating and filling up our tanks.
(Reuters)
Stoned Pits
DMX Busted at Home for Pot, Pit Bulls
You mean DMX smokes weed and neglects his dogs? Who would have believed something so outrageous? Say hello to Michael Vick for me.
(E! Online)
Obama steams toward Democratic nomination as Clinton's bid falters
How does one get appointed a “superdelegate?” And why the hell hold primaries that don’t count? What is going on with the Democratic party?
(International Herald Tribune)
Causing A Stink
Body of woman, 90, found on toilet in inhabited Wis. Home
In Kansas, a live woman sat on a toilet for two years. In Wisconsin, it seems like they don’t remove them even after they’re dead. Totally creepy.
(Associated Press)
Shady Dealings
Calls mount for Olmert's resignation
Political corruption goes on even in the Holy Land, it would appear. Boy, those Palestinians will use any reason to stall the peace process, won’t they? A year? Give me a break.
(Washington Post)
All In The Family
Fritzl recalls start of incest family
"Ever since she entered puberty she did not adhere to any rules any more, she would spend whole nights in dingy bars, drinking alcohol and smoking," he said. By that logic, pretty much every teenager I know would be held captive in their basements and forced to have sex with their fathers.
(United Press International)
Delivering For Less
FedEx cuts profit forecast on fuel costs
It really is only the Arabian sheiks and big oil companies who get fat while the rest of us decide between eating and filling up our tanks.
(Reuters)
Stoned Pits
DMX Busted at Home for Pot, Pit Bulls
You mean DMX smokes weed and neglects his dogs? Who would have believed something so outrageous? Say hello to Michael Vick for me.
(E! Online)
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Pasta, Tequila, Chicken Pie, Mop and a Little Cocky Bastard
The reason our new mop doesn’t fit the bucket is, it was Cinco de Mayo.
We’ve got the third annual yankee boil coming up here in a few weeks, and we’re doing some work sprucing up downstairs and the backyard. Monday we ended up going to Home Depot and Linens & Things looking for shelf units for the downstairs bathroom and some brackets for the outdoor staircase handrail. By the time we were done we realized that it was close to 7:00 and we were hungry, so we ate at the Macaroni Grill right there by Linens & Things.
Monday, of course, was Cinco de Mayo, and I realized that as we were sitting down to our Italian feast at the Macaroni. Luckily, the bar makes some decent margaritas so I celebrated with a couple of them, ate my chicken with vodka cream sauce, paid the bill with my Visa card, and headed home.
Tuesday I realize I’d better go ahead and order Mom’s flowers for Sunday to make sure they get there on time. I go to flowers.com or whatever the site is and when I go to pay, I pull out my debit Mastercard. I was surprised that my Visa wasn’t right behind it like it usually is. I complete the transaction and look through my wallet. The Visa is nowhere in sight.
So I started thinking when was the last time I used it, and I remembered the Macaroni Grill the night before. I called them and, sure enough, they had it. When Bill got home, I mentioned that I was going back to the Grill to pick up my card and that I would pick us up a Harrow’s chicken pie for dinner on the way home.
Off I went. The chicken pie place is between the house and the Macaroni Grill, and I was almost there when the phone rang with Mikey’s (Bill’s nephew) number on it. Instead of Mikey, however, it was Michael, his dad (Bill’s brother), telling me to turn around and go pick Bill up. Apparently Bill left his phone at his store and couldn’t remember my cell phone number, so he called his brother who got my number off of Mikey’s phone. Rolling my eyes, I proceeded to get the chicken pie (they close early) and went all the way back to the house to pick up Bill.
Bill stated that the reason he changed his mind about coming with me is that he decided to get the shelf unit we were looking at the day before. We grabbed the card from Macaroni Grill and then headed over to Home Depot to get the shelf unit. When we walked in we saw the mops and Bill remembered that I was complaining about our mop so he suggested we get a new one. We got a nice one, too, so nice that it’s too big for our bucket. So now we need to get a new bucket. I think it’s a Home Depot conspiracy.
So, had it not been Cinco de Mayo, I might not have had the margaritas and not been so silly as to leave my Visa card behind, and we wouldn’t have gone back to Home Depot on Tuesday, and wouldn’t have bought a mop on impulse, and maybe would have measured the bucket before we went to purchase the mop. But I doubt it.
Way To Go, Matto!
Bill’s nephew Matt got a four-page story in the UMass Boston school paper. Check out the link below. Matty’s new nickname is “Face.” He loves it. He’s really doing great as you can find out by reading the article. By the way, in case you’re curious like I was, I asked him why his high school coach didn’t like him at first and he replied, “Because I was a little cocky bastard.” My next question was how was then any different from now, then I observed, “oh yeah, you’re not little anymore.” Fortunately, this was a phone conversation so I didn’t get punched. Yet.
Face of the Franchise
In all seriousness, though, Matt’s understated quotes in the article are not muted in any way. The big cocky bastard seems to prefer to let his performance on the field do his speaking for him these days. After his second or third meet this year, I asked him how he did, and he replied, “Alright” in a “whatever” kind of voice. Then the next day I read that he was named Rookie of the Week for his conference because of his stellar performance in that week’s meet. I guess when you got it, you don’t need to flaunt it, it flaunts itself for you.
Keep it up, Face. We’re rooting for ya!
We’ve got the third annual yankee boil coming up here in a few weeks, and we’re doing some work sprucing up downstairs and the backyard. Monday we ended up going to Home Depot and Linens & Things looking for shelf units for the downstairs bathroom and some brackets for the outdoor staircase handrail. By the time we were done we realized that it was close to 7:00 and we were hungry, so we ate at the Macaroni Grill right there by Linens & Things.
Monday, of course, was Cinco de Mayo, and I realized that as we were sitting down to our Italian feast at the Macaroni. Luckily, the bar makes some decent margaritas so I celebrated with a couple of them, ate my chicken with vodka cream sauce, paid the bill with my Visa card, and headed home.
Tuesday I realize I’d better go ahead and order Mom’s flowers for Sunday to make sure they get there on time. I go to flowers.com or whatever the site is and when I go to pay, I pull out my debit Mastercard. I was surprised that my Visa wasn’t right behind it like it usually is. I complete the transaction and look through my wallet. The Visa is nowhere in sight.
So I started thinking when was the last time I used it, and I remembered the Macaroni Grill the night before. I called them and, sure enough, they had it. When Bill got home, I mentioned that I was going back to the Grill to pick up my card and that I would pick us up a Harrow’s chicken pie for dinner on the way home.
Off I went. The chicken pie place is between the house and the Macaroni Grill, and I was almost there when the phone rang with Mikey’s (Bill’s nephew) number on it. Instead of Mikey, however, it was Michael, his dad (Bill’s brother), telling me to turn around and go pick Bill up. Apparently Bill left his phone at his store and couldn’t remember my cell phone number, so he called his brother who got my number off of Mikey’s phone. Rolling my eyes, I proceeded to get the chicken pie (they close early) and went all the way back to the house to pick up Bill.
Bill stated that the reason he changed his mind about coming with me is that he decided to get the shelf unit we were looking at the day before. We grabbed the card from Macaroni Grill and then headed over to Home Depot to get the shelf unit. When we walked in we saw the mops and Bill remembered that I was complaining about our mop so he suggested we get a new one. We got a nice one, too, so nice that it’s too big for our bucket. So now we need to get a new bucket. I think it’s a Home Depot conspiracy.
So, had it not been Cinco de Mayo, I might not have had the margaritas and not been so silly as to leave my Visa card behind, and we wouldn’t have gone back to Home Depot on Tuesday, and wouldn’t have bought a mop on impulse, and maybe would have measured the bucket before we went to purchase the mop. But I doubt it.
Way To Go, Matto!
Bill’s nephew Matt got a four-page story in the UMass Boston school paper. Check out the link below. Matty’s new nickname is “Face.” He loves it. He’s really doing great as you can find out by reading the article. By the way, in case you’re curious like I was, I asked him why his high school coach didn’t like him at first and he replied, “Because I was a little cocky bastard.” My next question was how was then any different from now, then I observed, “oh yeah, you’re not little anymore.” Fortunately, this was a phone conversation so I didn’t get punched. Yet.
Face of the Franchise
In all seriousness, though, Matt’s understated quotes in the article are not muted in any way. The big cocky bastard seems to prefer to let his performance on the field do his speaking for him these days. After his second or third meet this year, I asked him how he did, and he replied, “Alright” in a “whatever” kind of voice. Then the next day I read that he was named Rookie of the Week for his conference because of his stellar performance in that week’s meet. I guess when you got it, you don’t need to flaunt it, it flaunts itself for you.
Keep it up, Face. We’re rooting for ya!
Monday, April 28, 2008
A Beer, Please
The project is almost off the ground and I will resume regular posting shortly. In the meantime, enjoy this.
BEER is better than women because:
BEER is better than women because:
- Beer doesn't mind sitting in the freezer for an hour to cool off
- You can enjoy beer all night long
- Beer doesn't complain when you fart
- A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football
- When your beer goes flat, you toss it ou
- Hangovers go away
- A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
- Beer doesn't care how much you earn
- Beer never has a headache
- You can have a beer in public
- Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car
- A frigid beer is a good beer
- A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it
- Beer doesn't come with in-laws
- You are never embarassed about the beer you bring to a party
- Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't
- Beer doesn't whine
- You can't catch anything except a buzz from a beer
- When you're done with your beer, you just go get another one
- The only thing a beer tells you is when it's time to go to the bathroom.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Move Over, David Letterman
According to the Museum of Hoaxes, by way of MSN, here are the Top 10 April Fool’s jokes of all time
10. Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
In April 1976 the British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 a.m. a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event would occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and reduce the Earth's gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 a.m. arrived, BBC2 received hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her 11 friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.
9. Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers
The April 1995 issue of Discover magazine announced that wildlife biologist Dr. Aprile Pazzo had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. They had heads with bony plates that became burning hot due to overactive blood vessels. These creatures could bore through ice at high speeds and hunt penguins by melting ice and causing them to sink into the slush and the hotheads' mouths. Dr. Pazzo also credited the hotheads with the 1837 disappearance of Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson. "To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin," she was quoted as saying. Discover received more mail about this article than any other in their history. It was, of course, a joke. And "Pazzo" is Italian for "crazy.”
8. The Left-Handed Whopper
In April 1998, Burger King published a full-page advertisement in USA Today that introduced a new menu item: a left-handed Whopper, designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the ad, the new Whopper had the same ingredients as the original (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a press release that said the left-handed Whopper was a hoax, and that thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. At the same time, the release stated, "many others requested their own 'right-handed' version."
7. Alabama Changes the Value of Pi
An article in the April 1998 issue of the New Mexicans for Science and Reason said that the Alabama state legislature voted to change the value of the mathematical constant pi from 3.14159 to the "biblical value" of 3.0. Before long, the article was being e-mailed around the world. The extent of the news leakage became apparent when the Alabama legislature began receiving hundreds of calls from people protesting the legislation. The original article was intended as a parody of legislative attempts to circumscribe the teaching of evolution, and written by a physicist named Mark Boslough.
6. Nixon for President
In April 1992, National Public Radio's "Talk of the Nation" announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for president again. His new campaign slogan was: "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." Accompanying this announcement were audio clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech. Listeners responded to the announcement by flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage. In the second half of the show host John Hockenberry finally admitted the announcement was a practical joke. Nixon's voice was impersonated by comedian Rich Little.
5. The San Serriffe Islands
In April 1977 the British newspaper the Guardian published a special supplement devoted to San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean. The articles described it as several semi-colon-shaped islands, with two main islands named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse and a capital, Bodoni. The country's leader was Gen. Pica. The Guardian was soon fielding calls from readers seeking more information about this holiday spot. Few people noticed that the entire San Serriffe republic was named after printing terminology. The success of this hoax is credited with launching Britain's enthusiasm for April Foolery, which has filled the nation's tabloids ever since.
4. The Taco Liberty Bell
In April 1996 the Taco Bell Corp. announced it had bought the Liberty Bell and had renamed it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called Philadelphia's National Historic Park to express their anger. Their nerves were calmed when Taco Bell revealed it was all a practical joke. However, the best line of the day came from White House press secretary Mike McCurry, who, when asked about the sale, announced that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. McCurry said it would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
3. Instant Color TV
In April 1962 Sweden had only one TV channel, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their TV screen. Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process and thousands of people were fooled. Eventually, Sweden did get regular color broadcasts, but not until April 1, 1970.
2. Sidd Finch
The April 1985 edition of Sports Illustrated published a story about the Mets' new rookie pitcher named Sidd Finch. He could reportedly throw a baseball with pinpoint accuracy at 168 mph (65 mph faster than anyone else). Surprisingly, Finch had never played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans everywhere celebrated their team's amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. But in reality: This legendary player existed only in the imagination of the article's writer, George Plimpton.
And the #1 April Fool’s Hoax of all time is:
1. The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
In April 1957 the BBC TV news show "Panorama" announced that, thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. The report showed footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti from trees. Huge numbers of viewers called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. The BBC diplomatically replied: "Place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."
10. Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
In April 1976 the British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 a.m. a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event would occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and reduce the Earth's gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 a.m. arrived, BBC2 received hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her 11 friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.
9. Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers
The April 1995 issue of Discover magazine announced that wildlife biologist Dr. Aprile Pazzo had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. They had heads with bony plates that became burning hot due to overactive blood vessels. These creatures could bore through ice at high speeds and hunt penguins by melting ice and causing them to sink into the slush and the hotheads' mouths. Dr. Pazzo also credited the hotheads with the 1837 disappearance of Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson. "To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin," she was quoted as saying. Discover received more mail about this article than any other in their history. It was, of course, a joke. And "Pazzo" is Italian for "crazy.”
8. The Left-Handed Whopper
In April 1998, Burger King published a full-page advertisement in USA Today that introduced a new menu item: a left-handed Whopper, designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the ad, the new Whopper had the same ingredients as the original (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a press release that said the left-handed Whopper was a hoax, and that thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. At the same time, the release stated, "many others requested their own 'right-handed' version."
7. Alabama Changes the Value of Pi
An article in the April 1998 issue of the New Mexicans for Science and Reason said that the Alabama state legislature voted to change the value of the mathematical constant pi from 3.14159 to the "biblical value" of 3.0. Before long, the article was being e-mailed around the world. The extent of the news leakage became apparent when the Alabama legislature began receiving hundreds of calls from people protesting the legislation. The original article was intended as a parody of legislative attempts to circumscribe the teaching of evolution, and written by a physicist named Mark Boslough.
6. Nixon for President
In April 1992, National Public Radio's "Talk of the Nation" announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for president again. His new campaign slogan was: "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." Accompanying this announcement were audio clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech. Listeners responded to the announcement by flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage. In the second half of the show host John Hockenberry finally admitted the announcement was a practical joke. Nixon's voice was impersonated by comedian Rich Little.
5. The San Serriffe Islands
In April 1977 the British newspaper the Guardian published a special supplement devoted to San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean. The articles described it as several semi-colon-shaped islands, with two main islands named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse and a capital, Bodoni. The country's leader was Gen. Pica. The Guardian was soon fielding calls from readers seeking more information about this holiday spot. Few people noticed that the entire San Serriffe republic was named after printing terminology. The success of this hoax is credited with launching Britain's enthusiasm for April Foolery, which has filled the nation's tabloids ever since.
4. The Taco Liberty Bell
In April 1996 the Taco Bell Corp. announced it had bought the Liberty Bell and had renamed it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called Philadelphia's National Historic Park to express their anger. Their nerves were calmed when Taco Bell revealed it was all a practical joke. However, the best line of the day came from White House press secretary Mike McCurry, who, when asked about the sale, announced that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. McCurry said it would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
3. Instant Color TV
In April 1962 Sweden had only one TV channel, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their TV screen. Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process and thousands of people were fooled. Eventually, Sweden did get regular color broadcasts, but not until April 1, 1970.
2. Sidd Finch
The April 1985 edition of Sports Illustrated published a story about the Mets' new rookie pitcher named Sidd Finch. He could reportedly throw a baseball with pinpoint accuracy at 168 mph (65 mph faster than anyone else). Surprisingly, Finch had never played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans everywhere celebrated their team's amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. But in reality: This legendary player existed only in the imagination of the article's writer, George Plimpton.
And the #1 April Fool’s Hoax of all time is:
1. The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
In April 1957 the BBC TV news show "Panorama" announced that, thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. The report showed footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti from trees. Huge numbers of viewers called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. The BBC diplomatically replied: "Place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Fortune Cookie Wisdom
We had Chinese last night. There’s a great place called China Moon on Main Street in Stoneham, and when we want a fix we order from there. I had the General Gau chicken with fried rice and yatka mein soup. Bill had the lobster sauce over white rice and wonton soup. My stuff was pretty good, but Bill wasn’t too crazy about the lobster sauce.
Of course, we each had fortune cookies. They gave us five cookies, and here’s what my two said:
“You’re transforming yourself into someone who is certain to succeed.”
I thought that sounded pretty good. But the second one pulled absolutely no punches:
“You will be successful someday.”
Nice. And before you go thinking that we got our cookies from a success-heavy batch, you should know that none of the three other cookies even mentioned success.
Confidently yours,
Beantown D
Of course, we each had fortune cookies. They gave us five cookies, and here’s what my two said:
“You’re transforming yourself into someone who is certain to succeed.”
I thought that sounded pretty good. But the second one pulled absolutely no punches:
“You will be successful someday.”
Nice. And before you go thinking that we got our cookies from a success-heavy batch, you should know that none of the three other cookies even mentioned success.
Confidently yours,
Beantown D
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Non Compos Mentis
I should have just gone to law school. For the past several weeks, I have been working on a legal document for a business venture I’m involved with. It is a contract, basically spelling out what each side will do and detailing the distribution of the income.
As a marketing guy, I find it difficult to have to compose a document with legal jargon. Usually, most of the copy I write are things like “Buy two—get one free!” or “Only $25!” You know, stuff where the consequences are not very dire.
Here’s a direct line from the contract I’m writing: “Affiliate will indemnify and hold Company harmless from all claims, damages, losses, and expenses (including, without limitation, attorney’s fees, payable as incurred) arising from or relating to the development, operation, maintenance, and contents of your site, use of the advertising, violation of this Agreement, and/or violation of any right of another party.”
Wow. Heady stuff. I’m not used to writing a document where one wrong word could cost you your entire business. But there it is. And that’s why it’s taken me three weeks to write a six page document. But I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now to find a nice lawyer that will review the language and make sure I’m not guaranteeing our demise.
More later…
As a marketing guy, I find it difficult to have to compose a document with legal jargon. Usually, most of the copy I write are things like “Buy two—get one free!” or “Only $25!” You know, stuff where the consequences are not very dire.
Here’s a direct line from the contract I’m writing: “Affiliate will indemnify and hold Company harmless from all claims, damages, losses, and expenses (including, without limitation, attorney’s fees, payable as incurred) arising from or relating to the development, operation, maintenance, and contents of your site, use of the advertising, violation of this Agreement, and/or violation of any right of another party.”
Wow. Heady stuff. I’m not used to writing a document where one wrong word could cost you your entire business. But there it is. And that’s why it’s taken me three weeks to write a six page document. But I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now to find a nice lawyer that will review the language and make sure I’m not guaranteeing our demise.
More later…
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Concert Week
It’s concert week. Phone rings today. I answer it.
ME: Boston Philharmonic
VOICE: Hi, I’m a subscriber. And I have my tickets. And they’re for Thursday. [PAUSE]
ME: Yes, ma’am?
VOICE: And I need to go Sunday.
ME: I’m sorry, ma’am, do you have incorrect tickets?
VOICE: No, I need to exchange my tickets for Sunday.
ME: Unfortunately, the deadline to exchange your tickets has passed. We no longer have tickets here in the office; they have all been allocated to the theatre box office.
VOICE: [PAUSE]
ME: Ma’am?
VOICE: But I need to go Sunday.
ME: I’m sorry that you missed the deadline, ma’am, perhaps you could share your Thursday tickets with friends and purchase new tickets for Sunday.
VOICE: I’m not sure I can go on Sunday.
ME: I’m sure there will be tickets available at the door.
VOICE: [PAUSE]
…
…
…
…
…
VOICE: What can I do?
ME: At this point, ma’am, we cannot exchange Thursday concert tickets.
VOICE: But I thought I could exchange.
ME: Yes, ma’am, but our exchange deadlines were mailed with your season tickets so that you would know to take care of them before they pass. We do not have any tickets in the office to be able to accommodate you. That is why the deadline is when it is.
VOICE: [PAUSE]
…
…
…
VOICE: Um
…
…
VOICE: I guess I’ll just have to figure something out.
ME: Have a great afternoon, ma’am.
[LINE DISCONNECTED]
What is wrong with people? Can’t they understand basic English? I was not spouting 25-cent words at this woman; I was speaking in the simplest and clearest possible language. I am so glad that my job doesn’t put me in constant contact with the public. I hated working at McDonald’s and in retail. And then when I worked at the UNO Jefferson Center, I had to deal with students and professors on a regular basis. You would think that tenured professors with PhDs would be able to understand simple English, but you would be incorrect.
Gah! Busy weekend coming up. I’ve got concerts tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday, and Bill is working a gymnastics tournament so we’ll hardly see each other at all.
Way To Go!
Isn’t it nice when people turn their interests into vocations? My friend Mary just got a new job with the New Orleans Public Library Foundation. They raise money for the public library. Mary has always been a big advocate of the library, and brings her girls, Katie and Betsy, there on probably a weekly basis to check out books and videos.
So, and I apologize for the blatant solicitation, if anyone has an extra $200 million lying around, let me know and I’ll put you in touch with Mary so that she can be a hero on her first day.
Groan
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you,” says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
ME: Boston Philharmonic
VOICE: Hi, I’m a subscriber. And I have my tickets. And they’re for Thursday. [PAUSE]
ME: Yes, ma’am?
VOICE: And I need to go Sunday.
ME: I’m sorry, ma’am, do you have incorrect tickets?
VOICE: No, I need to exchange my tickets for Sunday.
ME: Unfortunately, the deadline to exchange your tickets has passed. We no longer have tickets here in the office; they have all been allocated to the theatre box office.
VOICE: [PAUSE]
ME: Ma’am?
VOICE: But I need to go Sunday.
ME: I’m sorry that you missed the deadline, ma’am, perhaps you could share your Thursday tickets with friends and purchase new tickets for Sunday.
VOICE: I’m not sure I can go on Sunday.
ME: I’m sure there will be tickets available at the door.
VOICE: [PAUSE]
…
…
…
…
…
VOICE: What can I do?
ME: At this point, ma’am, we cannot exchange Thursday concert tickets.
VOICE: But I thought I could exchange.
ME: Yes, ma’am, but our exchange deadlines were mailed with your season tickets so that you would know to take care of them before they pass. We do not have any tickets in the office to be able to accommodate you. That is why the deadline is when it is.
VOICE: [PAUSE]
…
…
…
VOICE: Um
…
…
VOICE: I guess I’ll just have to figure something out.
ME: Have a great afternoon, ma’am.
[LINE DISCONNECTED]
What is wrong with people? Can’t they understand basic English? I was not spouting 25-cent words at this woman; I was speaking in the simplest and clearest possible language. I am so glad that my job doesn’t put me in constant contact with the public. I hated working at McDonald’s and in retail. And then when I worked at the UNO Jefferson Center, I had to deal with students and professors on a regular basis. You would think that tenured professors with PhDs would be able to understand simple English, but you would be incorrect.
Gah! Busy weekend coming up. I’ve got concerts tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday, and Bill is working a gymnastics tournament so we’ll hardly see each other at all.
Way To Go!
Isn’t it nice when people turn their interests into vocations? My friend Mary just got a new job with the New Orleans Public Library Foundation. They raise money for the public library. Mary has always been a big advocate of the library, and brings her girls, Katie and Betsy, there on probably a weekly basis to check out books and videos.
So, and I apologize for the blatant solicitation, if anyone has an extra $200 million lying around, let me know and I’ll put you in touch with Mary so that she can be a hero on her first day.
Groan
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you,” says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
Friday, February 15, 2008
The Weekly Roundup
Keeping My Fingers Crossed
Obama Continues to Build Momentum in Presidential Bid
Could Obama and Clinton be headed for a showdown in Colorado? I hope not, but it would make for interesting television. Clinton is going all-out negative in her latest TV spot in Wisconsin. Isn’t that what candidates do when they are panicking?
(Voice of America)
Unexplainable
Ill. gunman's rampage baffles friends
I was stunned like everyone else yesterday when this news came on. I guess I just don’t understand the whole nature of mental illness and how someone gets to the point where they feel compelled to carry out such violence. But as much as I feel for the victims’ families, I also feel bad for the family of the shooter. The press is accosting this man’s poor father and you can see the pain and sadness in his eyes as he begs to be left alone to suffer his trauma in private.
(Kansas City Star)
Missile Defense
Attempt to shoot down spy satellite to cost up to $60 million
There’s a “slim” chance that 1,000 pounds of flammable fuel will crash into a populated area. Yeah, let’s shoot the thing down.
(CNN)
Walker Walking
Government Accountability Chief Resigns
Does the GAO have any actual power? I know they review the processes and the money that flows through the government, but do they have actual authority to stop practices that waste resources unnecessarily? I’ve never really been sure what the line is with them.
(Washington Post)
Lost Lives
Ex-Ohio Cop Convicted of Lover's Death
This is heartbreaking. What kind of man puts his two year old son through that? I’ll answer my own question: a coward, a jackass, a person totally spent of morals. The fact that this man was in a position to determine the criminal behavior of others is frightening.
(Associated Press)
What a Whackjob
'Lonely' Calif. man accused of making 27,000 crank calls to 911
Just find some friends already!
(USA Today)
You Like the Juice?
FEMA trailers toxic, tests show
Yeah, I knew there was something strange smelling in my sister’s FEMA trailer. It was foul and it was strong. I’m glad she’s out of there.
(Los Angeles Times)
Obama Continues to Build Momentum in Presidential Bid
Could Obama and Clinton be headed for a showdown in Colorado? I hope not, but it would make for interesting television. Clinton is going all-out negative in her latest TV spot in Wisconsin. Isn’t that what candidates do when they are panicking?
(Voice of America)
Unexplainable
Ill. gunman's rampage baffles friends
I was stunned like everyone else yesterday when this news came on. I guess I just don’t understand the whole nature of mental illness and how someone gets to the point where they feel compelled to carry out such violence. But as much as I feel for the victims’ families, I also feel bad for the family of the shooter. The press is accosting this man’s poor father and you can see the pain and sadness in his eyes as he begs to be left alone to suffer his trauma in private.
(Kansas City Star)
Missile Defense
Attempt to shoot down spy satellite to cost up to $60 million
There’s a “slim” chance that 1,000 pounds of flammable fuel will crash into a populated area. Yeah, let’s shoot the thing down.
(CNN)
Walker Walking
Government Accountability Chief Resigns
Does the GAO have any actual power? I know they review the processes and the money that flows through the government, but do they have actual authority to stop practices that waste resources unnecessarily? I’ve never really been sure what the line is with them.
(Washington Post)
Lost Lives
Ex-Ohio Cop Convicted of Lover's Death
This is heartbreaking. What kind of man puts his two year old son through that? I’ll answer my own question: a coward, a jackass, a person totally spent of morals. The fact that this man was in a position to determine the criminal behavior of others is frightening.
(Associated Press)
What a Whackjob
'Lonely' Calif. man accused of making 27,000 crank calls to 911
Just find some friends already!
(USA Today)
You Like the Juice?
FEMA trailers toxic, tests show
Yeah, I knew there was something strange smelling in my sister’s FEMA trailer. It was foul and it was strong. I’m glad she’s out of there.
(Los Angeles Times)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Happy Birthday To Me
Fallin’ on my head
The weather today is just crappy. Snow last night; everything was covered this morning, then it turned to rain. And boy did it rain! And rain and rain, all day long. And of course today was the day that I had back to back to back appointments out of the office. I had to meet with a radio rep, do a press check for a brochure, go see a telemarketing software demonstration, meet the music director at a TV studio where he was doing an interview, and finally meet my reps from Goldstar who are in town just for a few days. Whew! At least twice today my boss called me just to let me know how warm and dry he was in the office. Nice guy. Finally I got home around 6:30.
Wiser?
Well, at 3:26 this afternoon (central time) I officially began the last year of my 30s. It was nice. Most of the people important to me called, e-mailed, or myspace messaged a happy birthday. There was one notable exception; one of my closest friends did nothing all day but hound me for $100. It is a legitimate hounding; I do owe him the hundred bones, but jeez. Wouldn’t you think that he could let it go just for a day?
Bill and his nephew Mikey took me to Outback for dinner then we went back to Michael’s house and had cake and ice cream with the family. I got a digital camera as a present.
Overreaching
What I’d like to know if how it is the purview of the United States Senate what happens in the National Football League. This is why our government is so screwed up. Arlen Specter is the ultimate horse’s ass. He’s out to get his name in the paper and nothing more, just because his stupid Eagles suck.
We’re involved in a ridiculous war, the economy is on a freefall, schools are crumbling, terrorists want to strap bombs to retarded people and kill us with them, our natural resources are being wasted away, and this guy has the unmitigated gall to stick his nose where it most certainly doesn’t belong on the taxpayer’s dime. He needs to go. Far, far away.
Etc.
I never thought I’d say this, but I am officially over winter and am anxiously looking forward to spring!
Our February concerts are next week, an all-Russian program with a great cellist. Sales are okay, but I’m worried that if bad weather is forecast that sales may stall.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Groan
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!'
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
The weather today is just crappy. Snow last night; everything was covered this morning, then it turned to rain. And boy did it rain! And rain and rain, all day long. And of course today was the day that I had back to back to back appointments out of the office. I had to meet with a radio rep, do a press check for a brochure, go see a telemarketing software demonstration, meet the music director at a TV studio where he was doing an interview, and finally meet my reps from Goldstar who are in town just for a few days. Whew! At least twice today my boss called me just to let me know how warm and dry he was in the office. Nice guy. Finally I got home around 6:30.
Wiser?
Well, at 3:26 this afternoon (central time) I officially began the last year of my 30s. It was nice. Most of the people important to me called, e-mailed, or myspace messaged a happy birthday. There was one notable exception; one of my closest friends did nothing all day but hound me for $100. It is a legitimate hounding; I do owe him the hundred bones, but jeez. Wouldn’t you think that he could let it go just for a day?
Bill and his nephew Mikey took me to Outback for dinner then we went back to Michael’s house and had cake and ice cream with the family. I got a digital camera as a present.
Overreaching
What I’d like to know if how it is the purview of the United States Senate what happens in the National Football League. This is why our government is so screwed up. Arlen Specter is the ultimate horse’s ass. He’s out to get his name in the paper and nothing more, just because his stupid Eagles suck.
We’re involved in a ridiculous war, the economy is on a freefall, schools are crumbling, terrorists want to strap bombs to retarded people and kill us with them, our natural resources are being wasted away, and this guy has the unmitigated gall to stick his nose where it most certainly doesn’t belong on the taxpayer’s dime. He needs to go. Far, far away.
Etc.
I never thought I’d say this, but I am officially over winter and am anxiously looking forward to spring!
Our February concerts are next week, an all-Russian program with a great cellist. Sales are okay, but I’m worried that if bad weather is forecast that sales may stall.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Groan
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!'
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
Friday, February 8, 2008
The Weekly Roundup
Pimpin’
Clinton camp angry over disparaging of Chelsea
This is why I will not vote for Hillary. I am sick of Hillary. In fact, I am sick of the Clintons. I am sick of hearing them bitch; I am sick of seeing them cry; I am sick of watching them smile, laugh, hug, and especially that stupid thumbs-up they all do. Chelsea is a big girl, and Shuster used a common slang term about her helping in her mother’s campaign. If anyone is not intelligent enough to know that he was not suggesting that the Clintons are selling their daughter for sex, then that person is not intelligent enough to vote. We’ve got real issues in this campaign; this campaign is absolutely critical to the very survival of our country as a representative democracy. Those issues do not include Chelsea’s thin skin. These issues do, however, include the stripping away of our rights, such as the ones guaranteed to us in the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. Please think about this before you dent the chad next to the name Hillary. Godspeed, Barak.
(Boston Globe)
Killer Twister
Funerals Begin for Tornado Victims
It breaks my heart to see all of the victims of this week’s tornadoes. I can’t even imagine the fright, pain, and panic of their last moments. One of my recurring nightmares is standing on a porch, watching the tornado get larger and larger in front of me, and I can’t do anything to avoid it or stop it.
(Associated Press)
Government Help
Congress Votes for a Stimulus of $168 Billion
Don’t be fooled. It’s an advance, not a rebate. If you don’t believe me, just wait until you file your 2008 taxes next year.
(New York Times)
A Good Thing
Cheney Defends U.S. Use Of Waterboarding
If it’s so good, dick, then let’s strap you down to a table, spray water all over your head, and see if we can find out just what you know about your boss’ plan to put a big old bullseye target on Valerie Wilson’s back because her husband was mean to you. This man disgusts me. Less than a year before he is irrelevant again, I have to keep reminding myself.
(CBS News)
Shocking End
Nebraska Supreme Court Outlaws Electric Chair
“'The evidence shows that electrocution inflicts intense pain and agonizing suffering,' Justice William Connolly wrote for the majority." Yeah, but it’s a lot more entertaining for the spectators than boring old lethal injection.
(New York Times)
I’m Not Really a Doctor, But I Also Don’t Play One on TV
Jarvik May Have Used Body Double in Ads
I take Lipitor, not because I trust Mr. Jarvik, but because I trust Dr. Shoap. So what if some other guy rowed a boat in a television commercial? Does that mean that Lipitor is bad for me? The things we choose to care about amaze me.
(ABC News)
Scum
Big Oil Strikes Back At Petrotyrants
Exxon vs. Chavez. So, who exactly is the bad guy here?
(CNN Money)
Cheesy
Polaroid Closing Instant Film Factories
Pretty soon, Outkast is going to have to re-lyric its song where it advises you to “shake it like a Polaroid picture.” How about, “Shake it like your hands do when you’re trying to take a digital picture”? Okay, back to the drawing board.
(Washington Post)
Hopefully He’s A Shill
BoSox can handle Schilling loss, but be wary
First the Patriots break our hearts, and now this. Curty, Curty, Curty, say it ain’t so!
(FOX Sports)
Third’s The Charm
When Incest Is Best: Kissing Cousins Have More Kin
Maybe it’s because each kid mutates into two separate beings? A lot of this study had to have been done in Arkansas; maybe it’s just more fertile soil up there.
(Scientific American)
Pump. You Up
Clemens' wife accused of using HGH
Nice abs, Deb!
(Sports Illustrated)
No News
All quiet on the Britney Spears front
I guess these days it’s news when Britney doesn’t make the news.
(New York Daily News)
Groan
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Clinton camp angry over disparaging of Chelsea
This is why I will not vote for Hillary. I am sick of Hillary. In fact, I am sick of the Clintons. I am sick of hearing them bitch; I am sick of seeing them cry; I am sick of watching them smile, laugh, hug, and especially that stupid thumbs-up they all do. Chelsea is a big girl, and Shuster used a common slang term about her helping in her mother’s campaign. If anyone is not intelligent enough to know that he was not suggesting that the Clintons are selling their daughter for sex, then that person is not intelligent enough to vote. We’ve got real issues in this campaign; this campaign is absolutely critical to the very survival of our country as a representative democracy. Those issues do not include Chelsea’s thin skin. These issues do, however, include the stripping away of our rights, such as the ones guaranteed to us in the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. Please think about this before you dent the chad next to the name Hillary. Godspeed, Barak.
(Boston Globe)
Killer Twister
Funerals Begin for Tornado Victims
It breaks my heart to see all of the victims of this week’s tornadoes. I can’t even imagine the fright, pain, and panic of their last moments. One of my recurring nightmares is standing on a porch, watching the tornado get larger and larger in front of me, and I can’t do anything to avoid it or stop it.
(Associated Press)
Government Help
Congress Votes for a Stimulus of $168 Billion
Don’t be fooled. It’s an advance, not a rebate. If you don’t believe me, just wait until you file your 2008 taxes next year.
(New York Times)
A Good Thing
Cheney Defends U.S. Use Of Waterboarding
If it’s so good, dick, then let’s strap you down to a table, spray water all over your head, and see if we can find out just what you know about your boss’ plan to put a big old bullseye target on Valerie Wilson’s back because her husband was mean to you. This man disgusts me. Less than a year before he is irrelevant again, I have to keep reminding myself.
(CBS News)
Shocking End
Nebraska Supreme Court Outlaws Electric Chair
“'The evidence shows that electrocution inflicts intense pain and agonizing suffering,' Justice William Connolly wrote for the majority." Yeah, but it’s a lot more entertaining for the spectators than boring old lethal injection.
(New York Times)
I’m Not Really a Doctor, But I Also Don’t Play One on TV
Jarvik May Have Used Body Double in Ads
I take Lipitor, not because I trust Mr. Jarvik, but because I trust Dr. Shoap. So what if some other guy rowed a boat in a television commercial? Does that mean that Lipitor is bad for me? The things we choose to care about amaze me.
(ABC News)
Scum
Big Oil Strikes Back At Petrotyrants
Exxon vs. Chavez. So, who exactly is the bad guy here?
(CNN Money)
Cheesy
Polaroid Closing Instant Film Factories
Pretty soon, Outkast is going to have to re-lyric its song where it advises you to “shake it like a Polaroid picture.” How about, “Shake it like your hands do when you’re trying to take a digital picture”? Okay, back to the drawing board.
(Washington Post)
Hopefully He’s A Shill
BoSox can handle Schilling loss, but be wary
First the Patriots break our hearts, and now this. Curty, Curty, Curty, say it ain’t so!
(FOX Sports)
Third’s The Charm
When Incest Is Best: Kissing Cousins Have More Kin
Maybe it’s because each kid mutates into two separate beings? A lot of this study had to have been done in Arkansas; maybe it’s just more fertile soil up there.
(Scientific American)
Pump. You Up
Clemens' wife accused of using HGH
Nice abs, Deb!
(Sports Illustrated)
No News
All quiet on the Britney Spears front
I guess these days it’s news when Britney doesn’t make the news.
(New York Daily News)
Groan
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Mardi Surdoue
Well, while all of my friends and family were celebrating Fat Tuesday, I got to celebrate Super Tuesday here in Stoneham. This was the first time I’ve ever voted in a primary. You can actually go in and ask for the ballot of your choice if you’re registered independent like I am. So I asked for the Republican ballot. I knew Hillary would win Massachusetts by plenty, but I thought that McCain might have a chance to upset Romney if enough smart people voted his way. I was wrong, but overall, I’m encouraged by the Republican race. After a few more primaries, perhaps McCain will have it wrapped up.
Things are a little more interesting on the Democratic side. Delegate-wise, Clinton and Obama are basically neck and neck, but Clinton’s campaign is bleeding funds while Obama is raising money by the truckload.
The only decision I’ll have to make in the general election is if it’s McCain going against Obama. I trust McCain; I don’t quite trust Obama, but my opinion can be swayed. If it’s McCain going against Clinton, McCain’s got my vote. If it’s any other Republican nominee, then I’m voting Democratic. McCain is the only Republican that, in my opinion, has integrity, leadership skills, good ideas, and the work ethic to get it done.
I would have a lot more respect for Hillary if she had dumped Bill’s ass. The man made a fool out of her in front of the entire world, and she let it go. My opinion is that she stayed with him strictly for political purposes, and that disgusts me. I cannot endorse a person who has absolutely no self-respect.
Things are a little more interesting on the Democratic side. Delegate-wise, Clinton and Obama are basically neck and neck, but Clinton’s campaign is bleeding funds while Obama is raising money by the truckload.
The only decision I’ll have to make in the general election is if it’s McCain going against Obama. I trust McCain; I don’t quite trust Obama, but my opinion can be swayed. If it’s McCain going against Clinton, McCain’s got my vote. If it’s any other Republican nominee, then I’m voting Democratic. McCain is the only Republican that, in my opinion, has integrity, leadership skills, good ideas, and the work ethic to get it done.
I would have a lot more respect for Hillary if she had dumped Bill’s ass. The man made a fool out of her in front of the entire world, and she let it go. My opinion is that she stayed with him strictly for political purposes, and that disgusts me. I cannot endorse a person who has absolutely no self-respect.
Friday, February 1, 2008
The Weekly Roundup
Cowards
Female bombers kill 72 at Baghdad pet markets
“U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said the bombings underlined ‘the absolute bankruptcy and brutality’ of those who carried them out.” And she’s absolutely right. These sick bastards strapped bombs to women with Downs Syndrome and detonated them remotely. That is the most cowardly thing I have ever heard. They don’t have the balls to do it themselves so they coerce innocent people who don’t know any better. Is that honestly glorifying Allah?
(Reuters)
The Democrats
Obama criticizes Clinton for her Iraq vote
I’m worried about the Democrats this year. I haven’t yet decided if Obama has a personal agenda or not, and that scares me. I know that Hillary does have an agenda, and that’s what worries me about the Democrats. Hillary getting the nomination might be enough to force me to vote Republican again.
(MSNBC)
The Republicans
Romney's Comeback Plan Trumpets His Conservatism
The nightmare race would be Hillary against Mitt. I don’t know what I’d do then. Possibly move to Mexico. Trust me here, people, DO NOT VOTE FOR MITT ROMNEY!
(Wall Street Journal)
Yahoogates
Microsoft Offers to Buy Yahoo for $44.6 Billion
Version 105.66429 of Bill Gates’ plan to take over the world.
(Bloomberg)
Gross
Double Dipping... Yeah, It's Really That Bad
So just get the single-scoop Tostitos if you’re going to try your hand at my world-famous garbage dip for either Bacchus or the Super Bowl (recipe below).
(FOX)
I Knew It Was The Saints’ Fault
Diehard Sports Fans Face Heart Risk
Do yourself a favor—go to the zoo or something this Sunday.
(New York Times)
Bull
Merrill Lynch accused of fraud
I think the fact that they have agreed on a settlement pretty much admits wrongdoing, right? Maybe the company didn’t set out to defraud these people, but at least the fund managers did.
(BusinessWeek)
Spyfizzle
Spy scandal has not tainted Patriots' season says Goddell
Alright everybody, let’s get over it. We all know in our hearts that my adopted team did nothing that every other team hasn’t done themselves. The difference? The Pats got caught and they have to answer for it. Arlen Specter can jump straight up my ass. The Eagles are a dirty team, anyway.
(Guardian Unlimited)
Doin’ The Mambo
On the scene: Packed Bourbon prepares for parades
The good times are rolling in my hometown this weekend and early next week. One of these years I’ll make it back down for the celebration. Have fun everybody!
(Times-Picayune)
Garbage Dip
This is a dip that Shareen’s friend ‘Dre taught me how to make when we were all hanging out at their house one night. Over the years I’ve modified it to my liking and I’m sure you will, too. I made it one Super Bowl and it was such a hit that it’s become my Super Bowl tradition. Enjoy!
Garbage dip is never made the same way twice, nor is it ever the same color twice lol! Brown about a pound and a half (1½ pounds) of ground beef with one (1) small chopped yellow onion, one (1) bell pepper, about one-half (1/2) tablespoon of cayenne pepper (oh, hell, just put the whole tablespoon in there), and a couple (2 or so) dashes of cumin. In a large, microwave-safe bowl, mix one pound (16 ounces) of Velveeta (cut into cubes), about half (1/2) of a medium sized jar of Pace or Taco Bell medium salsa (oh, hell, put like ¾ of the jar; and use mild or hot if you’d rather; I like medium because it has just the right bite for my taste with the cayenne pepper), and the browned ground beef mixture. Stick the whole kit ‘n caboodle into the microwave and turn it on high for about 5 minutes or so. Check it every now and then because every microwave is different. Make sure the Velveeta is completely melted. Stir it all around. The color will range anywhere from yellowish to reddish to pinkish, depending on how much of what you’ve used. Just go with it. Serve with Tostitos.
Groan
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Female bombers kill 72 at Baghdad pet markets
“U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said the bombings underlined ‘the absolute bankruptcy and brutality’ of those who carried them out.” And she’s absolutely right. These sick bastards strapped bombs to women with Downs Syndrome and detonated them remotely. That is the most cowardly thing I have ever heard. They don’t have the balls to do it themselves so they coerce innocent people who don’t know any better. Is that honestly glorifying Allah?
(Reuters)
The Democrats
Obama criticizes Clinton for her Iraq vote
I’m worried about the Democrats this year. I haven’t yet decided if Obama has a personal agenda or not, and that scares me. I know that Hillary does have an agenda, and that’s what worries me about the Democrats. Hillary getting the nomination might be enough to force me to vote Republican again.
(MSNBC)
The Republicans
Romney's Comeback Plan Trumpets His Conservatism
The nightmare race would be Hillary against Mitt. I don’t know what I’d do then. Possibly move to Mexico. Trust me here, people, DO NOT VOTE FOR MITT ROMNEY!
(Wall Street Journal)
Yahoogates
Microsoft Offers to Buy Yahoo for $44.6 Billion
Version 105.66429 of Bill Gates’ plan to take over the world.
(Bloomberg)
Gross
Double Dipping... Yeah, It's Really That Bad
So just get the single-scoop Tostitos if you’re going to try your hand at my world-famous garbage dip for either Bacchus or the Super Bowl (recipe below).
(FOX)
I Knew It Was The Saints’ Fault
Diehard Sports Fans Face Heart Risk
Do yourself a favor—go to the zoo or something this Sunday.
(New York Times)
Bull
Merrill Lynch accused of fraud
I think the fact that they have agreed on a settlement pretty much admits wrongdoing, right? Maybe the company didn’t set out to defraud these people, but at least the fund managers did.
(BusinessWeek)
Spyfizzle
Spy scandal has not tainted Patriots' season says Goddell
Alright everybody, let’s get over it. We all know in our hearts that my adopted team did nothing that every other team hasn’t done themselves. The difference? The Pats got caught and they have to answer for it. Arlen Specter can jump straight up my ass. The Eagles are a dirty team, anyway.
(Guardian Unlimited)
Doin’ The Mambo
On the scene: Packed Bourbon prepares for parades
The good times are rolling in my hometown this weekend and early next week. One of these years I’ll make it back down for the celebration. Have fun everybody!
(Times-Picayune)
Garbage Dip
This is a dip that Shareen’s friend ‘Dre taught me how to make when we were all hanging out at their house one night. Over the years I’ve modified it to my liking and I’m sure you will, too. I made it one Super Bowl and it was such a hit that it’s become my Super Bowl tradition. Enjoy!
Garbage dip is never made the same way twice, nor is it ever the same color twice lol! Brown about a pound and a half (1½ pounds) of ground beef with one (1) small chopped yellow onion, one (1) bell pepper, about one-half (1/2) tablespoon of cayenne pepper (oh, hell, just put the whole tablespoon in there), and a couple (2 or so) dashes of cumin. In a large, microwave-safe bowl, mix one pound (16 ounces) of Velveeta (cut into cubes), about half (1/2) of a medium sized jar of Pace or Taco Bell medium salsa (oh, hell, put like ¾ of the jar; and use mild or hot if you’d rather; I like medium because it has just the right bite for my taste with the cayenne pepper), and the browned ground beef mixture. Stick the whole kit ‘n caboodle into the microwave and turn it on high for about 5 minutes or so. Check it every now and then because every microwave is different. Make sure the Velveeta is completely melted. Stir it all around. The color will range anywhere from yellowish to reddish to pinkish, depending on how much of what you’ve used. Just go with it. Serve with Tostitos.
Groan
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
WTF?
Bill proposes cellphone restrictions in cars
House to debate hand-devices ban
The Boston Globe
By Matt Viser and Erin Ailworth
January 14, 2008
Txt to: Brandy
Txt fr: Mindy
“OMG! My bff beth jus tol me tj’s in luuuuuuv w/you!!
<333
U go gurl!!!!!!”
If you can interpret the above message, then you know that Mindy wants Brandy to know that Mindy’s best friend forever, Beth, has conveyed the message to Mindy that some (presumably) boy named T.J. is in love with Brandy.
This might be good news. Brandy might have been pursuing T.J. for some time, or there might have been flirtation going on between T.J. and Brandy that T.J. has finally articulated. Brandy might be in love with Bobby and this pursuit by T.J. might be just the thing to get Bobby to wake up. Brandy and T.J. might have been in a relationship previously and Brandy is bummed about the breakup. Or this might not be such good news. Maybe Brandy hates T.J. and does not want him pursuing her and Mindy is just a bitch rubbing it in.
Whatever the story might be, is there anyone who thinks that it is absolutely imperative that Brandy have this information right now? If Mindy is just sitting around her house doing unimportant things like homework or something equally tedious, I have no problem with her texting Brandy. But if Mindy is driving around in her car, I have big problems with her operating her text phone.
If you’re not familiar with text messaging, let me tell you about it. You use the number buttons on your cell phone to spell out your message. For example, if you want to type “cat,” you have to hit the “2” button three times for “c” then hit the “2” button one time for “a” then hit the “8” button one time for “t.” In other words, it’s exactly the type of thing you should not be doing while you’re driving.
Now, the Massachusetts legislature is considering a bill that would ban text messaging while driving. A few other states have already passes such measures. This seems absurd to me. This is not something that should be legislated. This is something that should be IRRELEVANT. There should be no problems with people text messaging while driving. It shouldn’t even hit the legislature’s radar screen.
But there it is. Why can’t people evaluate these kinds of situations for themselves and realize that what they are doing, or want to do, is critically dangerous? How is it that people don’t realize that when you’re driving, your primary activity should be driving?
I define “primary activity” as the situation that, at any given moment, is utilizing the largest percentage of your intellect and senses. When I am driving, I am touching the steering wheel, pedal, and brake; I am listening to the sounds that my vehicle and the vehicles around me are making; and I am watching the car in front of me, the car in front of that one, etc., the landscape in front of me, and each of my mirrors. That’s 3/5 of my senses that I am using. And while I might be thinking about the appointment I’m going to, the work I have to do at the office, or the chores I left behind, my basic brain function is devoted to the successful completion of my trip and the thousands of details that go into driving my vehicle from one point to another.
Therefore, when I’m driving, driving is my primary activity. When I’m sitting at my desk, work is my primary activity. When I’m in a theater, the show that I’m watching is my primary activity. When I’m operating the snow blower, that is my primary activity. There isn’t always a primary activity going on, but when there is, it is important that you be primarily focused on it, especially when people’s lives are involved.
When you are text messaging, not only your hand, but also your eyes, need to be focused on your cell phone screen, and therefore not positioned on the steering wheel and focused on the road. Talking on a cell phone while driving is a different matter. Some people can handle it, many more can’t. Every time now someone cuts me off, or stops short, or veers into another lane, or is driving unusually and unnecessarily slowly, or is driving stupidly in any way, you can bet that the driver is on a cell phone. At least, that has been my experience for quite awhile now.
I don’t get the whole need that some people have to be on their cell phones while driving. I rarely answer the phone while I’m driving; the only time I do is if I’m sitting at a red light or stuck in traffic, or if I’m on a long trip and on a relatively quiet stretch of highway. If I have to make a call, I wait until I’ve arrived at my destination to do so. There is no conversation that I have to have that is so important that it can’t wait. And I can’t imagine what all these people driving around are talking about. There is nothing that can’t wait a little while until you’re able to put all your attention to your conversation, unless maybe you’re a neurosurgeon and you have to talk through a procedure with someone who’s like stuck in the woods with someone who is going to die if the person doesn’t perform the procedure right there and then. But even if that was the case, don’t you think that would be a very good reason to pull the car over, stop driving for awhile, and concentrate on talking the person through it? Okay, maybe the surgeon is en route to another emergency where someone is going to die. I’ll admit that there are very limited cases in which it is critical for someone to be talking on the phone and driving at the same time.
The rest of us, though, should let common sense, and not legislation, be our guide. Wait to text message til you stop driving, and only talk to someone on the phone if it is absolutely critical. I know I’m asking a lot.
House to debate hand-devices ban
The Boston Globe
By Matt Viser and Erin Ailworth
January 14, 2008
Txt to: Brandy
Txt fr: Mindy
“OMG! My bff beth jus tol me tj’s in luuuuuuv w/you!!
<333
U go gurl!!!!!!”
If you can interpret the above message, then you know that Mindy wants Brandy to know that Mindy’s best friend forever, Beth, has conveyed the message to Mindy that some (presumably) boy named T.J. is in love with Brandy.
This might be good news. Brandy might have been pursuing T.J. for some time, or there might have been flirtation going on between T.J. and Brandy that T.J. has finally articulated. Brandy might be in love with Bobby and this pursuit by T.J. might be just the thing to get Bobby to wake up. Brandy and T.J. might have been in a relationship previously and Brandy is bummed about the breakup. Or this might not be such good news. Maybe Brandy hates T.J. and does not want him pursuing her and Mindy is just a bitch rubbing it in.
Whatever the story might be, is there anyone who thinks that it is absolutely imperative that Brandy have this information right now? If Mindy is just sitting around her house doing unimportant things like homework or something equally tedious, I have no problem with her texting Brandy. But if Mindy is driving around in her car, I have big problems with her operating her text phone.
If you’re not familiar with text messaging, let me tell you about it. You use the number buttons on your cell phone to spell out your message. For example, if you want to type “cat,” you have to hit the “2” button three times for “c” then hit the “2” button one time for “a” then hit the “8” button one time for “t.” In other words, it’s exactly the type of thing you should not be doing while you’re driving.
Now, the Massachusetts legislature is considering a bill that would ban text messaging while driving. A few other states have already passes such measures. This seems absurd to me. This is not something that should be legislated. This is something that should be IRRELEVANT. There should be no problems with people text messaging while driving. It shouldn’t even hit the legislature’s radar screen.
But there it is. Why can’t people evaluate these kinds of situations for themselves and realize that what they are doing, or want to do, is critically dangerous? How is it that people don’t realize that when you’re driving, your primary activity should be driving?
I define “primary activity” as the situation that, at any given moment, is utilizing the largest percentage of your intellect and senses. When I am driving, I am touching the steering wheel, pedal, and brake; I am listening to the sounds that my vehicle and the vehicles around me are making; and I am watching the car in front of me, the car in front of that one, etc., the landscape in front of me, and each of my mirrors. That’s 3/5 of my senses that I am using. And while I might be thinking about the appointment I’m going to, the work I have to do at the office, or the chores I left behind, my basic brain function is devoted to the successful completion of my trip and the thousands of details that go into driving my vehicle from one point to another.
Therefore, when I’m driving, driving is my primary activity. When I’m sitting at my desk, work is my primary activity. When I’m in a theater, the show that I’m watching is my primary activity. When I’m operating the snow blower, that is my primary activity. There isn’t always a primary activity going on, but when there is, it is important that you be primarily focused on it, especially when people’s lives are involved.
When you are text messaging, not only your hand, but also your eyes, need to be focused on your cell phone screen, and therefore not positioned on the steering wheel and focused on the road. Talking on a cell phone while driving is a different matter. Some people can handle it, many more can’t. Every time now someone cuts me off, or stops short, or veers into another lane, or is driving unusually and unnecessarily slowly, or is driving stupidly in any way, you can bet that the driver is on a cell phone. At least, that has been my experience for quite awhile now.
I don’t get the whole need that some people have to be on their cell phones while driving. I rarely answer the phone while I’m driving; the only time I do is if I’m sitting at a red light or stuck in traffic, or if I’m on a long trip and on a relatively quiet stretch of highway. If I have to make a call, I wait until I’ve arrived at my destination to do so. There is no conversation that I have to have that is so important that it can’t wait. And I can’t imagine what all these people driving around are talking about. There is nothing that can’t wait a little while until you’re able to put all your attention to your conversation, unless maybe you’re a neurosurgeon and you have to talk through a procedure with someone who’s like stuck in the woods with someone who is going to die if the person doesn’t perform the procedure right there and then. But even if that was the case, don’t you think that would be a very good reason to pull the car over, stop driving for awhile, and concentrate on talking the person through it? Okay, maybe the surgeon is en route to another emergency where someone is going to die. I’ll admit that there are very limited cases in which it is critical for someone to be talking on the phone and driving at the same time.
The rest of us, though, should let common sense, and not legislation, be our guide. Wait to text message til you stop driving, and only talk to someone on the phone if it is absolutely critical. I know I’m asking a lot.
Monday, January 7, 2008
2008 So Far
Geaux Tigers!
I hope everyone’s having a good new year. Mine’s going well, and it’s gotten even better now that LSU has won the national championship against Ohio State!!
The New Years story—Friday
Like I said, we went to Ohio to visit Dev for New Year’s and that was a lot of fun. Bill and I bought each other a GPS for Christmas and nobody around here was up for planning anything, and Dev was all for it, so we just said “why not?” We left Friday night, drove halfway and spent the night in Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. Well, not really the night. Bill drove until he got tired and we stopped around 2 in the morning, then got up at 7 to hit the road again at 8. We got to Dev’s around 1:00 on Saturday afternoon.
The New Years story—Saturday
Dev announced that he was going to the Youngstown Steelhounds hockey game that night, and normally, Bill and I would have been right along there with him. But that happened to be the same night the Patriots were playing the Giants to go undefeated for the season so no way were we missing that one! We went to eat at Tokyo House, a great little Japanese restaurant where Dev knows the owner/chef, Ken.
The Tokyo House is great, although Bill’s not too wild about it. Ken talks a lot while he’s cooking the food in front of you. The first time I went was one time with Dev when Bill wasn’t with us. When Ken found out I was from New Orleans, he told me a heartbreaking story about several members of his family that were victims of a vicious crime at their restaurant on Bullard, the Kim Anh. As he was telling the story, I remembered the story. It was the Murdering Cop Bitch Antoinette Frank who shot her partner, who was working a detail at the restaurant, and two of the four siblings who were working at the restaurant that night. Everyone who was living in New Orleans in 1995 has to remember this; it was all over the news and shocked even murder capital New Orleans that a cop could shoot her own partner, Ronald Williams. Anyhow, the Vu family owned and ran the restaurant, and Ha and Cuong Vu were murdered along with Williams. The Vu’s are Ken’s extended family. That conversation definitely brought back memories of the news reports. I actually met Ronald Williams’ widow a couple of years after the murders. She was a pleasant person but you could tell still very troubled. I hope she and the Vu family have found peace. Ms. Frank is on death row in Louisiana. I hope she rots in hell.
The New Years story—Sunday
So we went there for dinner then dropped Dev off at the game because he could get a ride back home. Bill and I went back to Dev’s and watched the heart-stopping game that gave the Patriots the first 16-0 record in NFL history. Then the next day we went shopping for Jessi’s birthday present but couldn’t find the kind of shoes she wanted so we ended up giving her money to buy them with lol! I got totally screwed trying to watch the Saints game on the computer through the DirecTV thing. Since the account is located in Stoneham, and the Saints game was the game being broadcast on local TV in Stoneham, I couldn’t watch the game on my laptop in Boardman, Ohio! Unfortunately, the broadcast game in Boardman, Ohio was the Browns-49ers game. Yeah, like that game even mattered. But, the Saints lost anyway so I ended up not being too upset.
We went to a barbecue place called Smokey Bones near Dev’s house for dinner Sunday night. It was good. Dev and Bill both got the full racks of ribs with the brown sugar sauce and I got a combo pulled pork and ½ rack of ribs with the regular sauce. I loved the pulled pork and didn’t think too much of the ribs, although Dev and Bill both praised the brown sugar ribs. I should have gotten that, or gotten a full plate of the pulled pork and not even done ribs.
The New Years story—Monday
Monday, Bill & I slept in while Dev went to work. He came home mid-day and we went to Bob Evans for lunch. Bill’s a big fan of the turkey dinner at Bob Evans. It is a good place, and we only get to go there in Ohio since there are none in Massachusetts. After lunch we farted around for awhile and then took off around 7 to pick up Kathy and head to Steamer’s Stonewall Tavern, a great little restaurant where Kathy knows the owners. We’ve been there a few times with them and they had a new year’s eve party with a DJ and all. We had 8:00 dinner reservations and then we just kept our table for the rest of the night. We ate, we danced, we drank, we celebrated. We met a lady named Ro and danced with her and Kathy for awhile. Ro was a big kick. Even Dev was in a good mood!
Bill got some pictures so I’ll post them as soon as I can get the camera from him and upload them.
The New Years story—Tuesday
Tuesday we drove home. 10 hours. It’s a nice drive through the mountains in Pennsylvania, but jeez!
Groan
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I hope everyone’s having a good new year. Mine’s going well, and it’s gotten even better now that LSU has won the national championship against Ohio State!!
The New Years story—Friday
Like I said, we went to Ohio to visit Dev for New Year’s and that was a lot of fun. Bill and I bought each other a GPS for Christmas and nobody around here was up for planning anything, and Dev was all for it, so we just said “why not?” We left Friday night, drove halfway and spent the night in Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. Well, not really the night. Bill drove until he got tired and we stopped around 2 in the morning, then got up at 7 to hit the road again at 8. We got to Dev’s around 1:00 on Saturday afternoon.
The New Years story—Saturday
Dev announced that he was going to the Youngstown Steelhounds hockey game that night, and normally, Bill and I would have been right along there with him. But that happened to be the same night the Patriots were playing the Giants to go undefeated for the season so no way were we missing that one! We went to eat at Tokyo House, a great little Japanese restaurant where Dev knows the owner/chef, Ken.
The Tokyo House is great, although Bill’s not too wild about it. Ken talks a lot while he’s cooking the food in front of you. The first time I went was one time with Dev when Bill wasn’t with us. When Ken found out I was from New Orleans, he told me a heartbreaking story about several members of his family that were victims of a vicious crime at their restaurant on Bullard, the Kim Anh. As he was telling the story, I remembered the story. It was the Murdering Cop Bitch Antoinette Frank who shot her partner, who was working a detail at the restaurant, and two of the four siblings who were working at the restaurant that night. Everyone who was living in New Orleans in 1995 has to remember this; it was all over the news and shocked even murder capital New Orleans that a cop could shoot her own partner, Ronald Williams. Anyhow, the Vu family owned and ran the restaurant, and Ha and Cuong Vu were murdered along with Williams. The Vu’s are Ken’s extended family. That conversation definitely brought back memories of the news reports. I actually met Ronald Williams’ widow a couple of years after the murders. She was a pleasant person but you could tell still very troubled. I hope she and the Vu family have found peace. Ms. Frank is on death row in Louisiana. I hope she rots in hell.
The New Years story—Sunday
So we went there for dinner then dropped Dev off at the game because he could get a ride back home. Bill and I went back to Dev’s and watched the heart-stopping game that gave the Patriots the first 16-0 record in NFL history. Then the next day we went shopping for Jessi’s birthday present but couldn’t find the kind of shoes she wanted so we ended up giving her money to buy them with lol! I got totally screwed trying to watch the Saints game on the computer through the DirecTV thing. Since the account is located in Stoneham, and the Saints game was the game being broadcast on local TV in Stoneham, I couldn’t watch the game on my laptop in Boardman, Ohio! Unfortunately, the broadcast game in Boardman, Ohio was the Browns-49ers game. Yeah, like that game even mattered. But, the Saints lost anyway so I ended up not being too upset.
We went to a barbecue place called Smokey Bones near Dev’s house for dinner Sunday night. It was good. Dev and Bill both got the full racks of ribs with the brown sugar sauce and I got a combo pulled pork and ½ rack of ribs with the regular sauce. I loved the pulled pork and didn’t think too much of the ribs, although Dev and Bill both praised the brown sugar ribs. I should have gotten that, or gotten a full plate of the pulled pork and not even done ribs.
The New Years story—Monday
Monday, Bill & I slept in while Dev went to work. He came home mid-day and we went to Bob Evans for lunch. Bill’s a big fan of the turkey dinner at Bob Evans. It is a good place, and we only get to go there in Ohio since there are none in Massachusetts. After lunch we farted around for awhile and then took off around 7 to pick up Kathy and head to Steamer’s Stonewall Tavern, a great little restaurant where Kathy knows the owners. We’ve been there a few times with them and they had a new year’s eve party with a DJ and all. We had 8:00 dinner reservations and then we just kept our table for the rest of the night. We ate, we danced, we drank, we celebrated. We met a lady named Ro and danced with her and Kathy for awhile. Ro was a big kick. Even Dev was in a good mood!
Bill got some pictures so I’ll post them as soon as I can get the camera from him and upload them.
The New Years story—Tuesday
Tuesday we drove home. 10 hours. It’s a nice drive through the mountains in Pennsylvania, but jeez!
Groan
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Happy New Year!
I hope everyone had a good one. We were in Ohio visiting Dev and had a great time at Steamer's.
Let's make 2008 the best ever!
Monday, December 24, 2007
Lights...Camera...Christmas!
Here are some photos from our annual drive to look at Christmas lights.
This guy really goes all out:
This place is like a mansion:
Here is the tree in the Stoneham town square. Bill made us park and get out. We had to walk all the way across the square in squishy snow. My shoes were soaked!
Here is the band gazebo in the Stoneham town square, with the town hall behind it:
Here is me waving at you from the band gazebo:
This guy really goes all out:
This place is like a mansion:
Here is the tree in the Stoneham town square. Bill made us park and get out. We had to walk all the way across the square in squishy snow. My shoes were soaked!
Here is the band gazebo in the Stoneham town square, with the town hall behind it:
Here is me waving at you from the band gazebo:
Merry Christmas!!!
Friday, December 21, 2007
The Weekly Roundup
First up tonight, a little self-deprecating humor:
And now, on to more serious topics:
Next, Please
Gates warns of Al Qaeda shift
They’re getting bored of terrorizing the same boring old Afgahnis and have now turned their attention to the chaos that is Pakistan. They're working their way across the middle east while we're all focused on Iraq.
(Los Angeles Times)
Sick Joke?
Giuliani keen to fight back after reverses
Is it just me, or is Rudy Giuliani’s campaign becoming a joke? Scandals, corruption, and now illness. And this has been a good week! Take three aspirin, get some new campaign advisors, and call me in the morning.
(Financial Times)
Want To Know Why This Man Is Smiling?
Goldman Awards Blankfein a Record $67.9 Million Bonus
Disappointed with your year-end bonus? You obviously haven’t screwed enough middle class home-mortgage holders out of their hard earned money. Mark this under “room for improvement” on your 2007 performance review.
(Bloomberg)
This Can’t Be Good
North Korean Tubes Found to Be Contaminated With Uranium Traces
They claim that they’ve never had an enriched uranium program, and after this, they got some “’splainin’” to do? We need to send these US arms control officers to better schools so they learn how to talk good. But then, if North Korea has the bomb, it won’t matter for too much longer, now will it?
(FOX)
You Take My Wife…Please!
Save the World: Elect My Wife
Let’s see, this republic has survived Martin Van Buren, John Tyler, James K. Polk, James Buchanan, Warren G. Harding, Herbert Hoover, Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and, most recently, at least seven years of George W. Bush, yet the whole thing will go to pieces if we don’t elect Hillary??? Bill, Bill, Bill. You’re so transparent. If there is anyone out there who doesn’t know exactly why Mr. Clinton wants his wife to win the White House, let me know, and I'll "'splain'" it to ya!
(Washington Post)
Falling Down
UNANIMOUS
The New Orleans City Council voted to demolish upwards of 4,500 project units amid much protest. What they are protesting I really can’t fathom. The buildings sat in feet and feet of muck and guck for weeks and are condemned, people! New Orleans absolutely cannot support people who do nothing but sponge off the government (read: other people’s money). New Orleans needs to build infrastructure to support people who are coming to work and help in the rebuilding. My friend Mark wrote a great letter to the New York Times about this issue. Let me know if you want to read it and I’ll send it to you.
(Times-Picayune)
Flaming Wood
Fire damages Cheney's ceremonial offices near White House
There’s this scene in The West Wing where Josh and Sam set off the smoke alarms trying to light a fire in the Mural Room fireplace. The president is trying to get a precious few hours’ sleep, but of course has to be awoken. Charlie calls him and says, “Mr. President, you know how you told me not to wake you unless the building was on fire…?”
(Boston Globe)
Hurling Rock
Big asteroid on collision course with Mars
Those little green men better get themselves underground, pretty quick.
(TG Daily)
Papelbon’s Pesky Pooch
Jonathan Papelbon's dog takes a bite of World Series history
Get real now, Jonny: Your third grade math teacher didn’t buy it, and I’m not buying it either.
(The Canadian Press)
Unplanned Parenthood
Spears' Baby Daddy Reportedly Ready to Settle Down
The uproar over Jamie Lynn Spears and her pregnancy is puzzling to me. Don’t people realize that 16 year olds get pregnant every day in this country? Wake up people! Why do we care so much about THIS pregnancy? Think about it.
(ABC News)
Groan
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Gates warns of Al Qaeda shift
They’re getting bored of terrorizing the same boring old Afgahnis and have now turned their attention to the chaos that is Pakistan. They're working their way across the middle east while we're all focused on Iraq.
(Los Angeles Times)
Sick Joke?
Giuliani keen to fight back after reverses
Is it just me, or is Rudy Giuliani’s campaign becoming a joke? Scandals, corruption, and now illness. And this has been a good week! Take three aspirin, get some new campaign advisors, and call me in the morning.
(Financial Times)
Want To Know Why This Man Is Smiling?Goldman Awards Blankfein a Record $67.9 Million Bonus
Disappointed with your year-end bonus? You obviously haven’t screwed enough middle class home-mortgage holders out of their hard earned money. Mark this under “room for improvement” on your 2007 performance review.
(Bloomberg)
This Can’t Be Good
North Korean Tubes Found to Be Contaminated With Uranium Traces
They claim that they’ve never had an enriched uranium program, and after this, they got some “’splainin’” to do? We need to send these US arms control officers to better schools so they learn how to talk good. But then, if North Korea has the bomb, it won’t matter for too much longer, now will it?
(FOX)
You Take My Wife…Please!
Save the World: Elect My Wife
Let’s see, this republic has survived Martin Van Buren, John Tyler, James K. Polk, James Buchanan, Warren G. Harding, Herbert Hoover, Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and, most recently, at least seven years of George W. Bush, yet the whole thing will go to pieces if we don’t elect Hillary??? Bill, Bill, Bill. You’re so transparent. If there is anyone out there who doesn’t know exactly why Mr. Clinton wants his wife to win the White House, let me know, and I'll "'splain'" it to ya!
(Washington Post)
Falling Down
UNANIMOUS
The New Orleans City Council voted to demolish upwards of 4,500 project units amid much protest. What they are protesting I really can’t fathom. The buildings sat in feet and feet of muck and guck for weeks and are condemned, people! New Orleans absolutely cannot support people who do nothing but sponge off the government (read: other people’s money). New Orleans needs to build infrastructure to support people who are coming to work and help in the rebuilding. My friend Mark wrote a great letter to the New York Times about this issue. Let me know if you want to read it and I’ll send it to you.
(Times-Picayune)
Flaming Wood
Fire damages Cheney's ceremonial offices near White House
There’s this scene in The West Wing where Josh and Sam set off the smoke alarms trying to light a fire in the Mural Room fireplace. The president is trying to get a precious few hours’ sleep, but of course has to be awoken. Charlie calls him and says, “Mr. President, you know how you told me not to wake you unless the building was on fire…?”
(Boston Globe)
Hurling Rock
Big asteroid on collision course with Mars
Those little green men better get themselves underground, pretty quick.
(TG Daily)
Papelbon’s Pesky Pooch
Jonathan Papelbon's dog takes a bite of World Series history
Get real now, Jonny: Your third grade math teacher didn’t buy it, and I’m not buying it either.
(The Canadian Press)
Unplanned Parenthood
Spears' Baby Daddy Reportedly Ready to Settle Down
The uproar over Jamie Lynn Spears and her pregnancy is puzzling to me. Don’t people realize that 16 year olds get pregnant every day in this country? Wake up people! Why do we care so much about THIS pregnancy? Think about it.
(ABC News)
Groan
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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